You're there every day and always in my orbit. Once I am at work, I sneak off sometimes to breathe because in your bubble, things are intense. My brain shuts off and I am able just to relax. That's a huge and conflicting feeling to have a working relationship with someone you're comfortable with first. And then one day, something happens. Something unexpected. One day, you got my attention, I was off in my ADHD brain. My blue eyes met yours and something profound happened; something clicked. Something shifted. I saw more than just your perfectly put together facade at work. I know there is more to you. My imagination took me to places it shouldn’t have. One ovulation cycle and I couldn’t stop checking you out behind your back at work. And your hands, the size of them felt safe. You became more attractive when touches lingered after that, except…you didn’t pull away, and when my leg would rest on yours, same thing. No moving away. I’m so socially inept and when someone is attracted to you, confessions were made. It would never work out between us. You are shockingly unavailable, however, when you told me your wife was out of town for work that week....well, the chemistry lingered in your eyes. I didn’t even catch on until days after. And I couldn't, I just couldn't be that woman again, careless and doing immoral things.
Back then; when I was young and foolish, it was about someone else rescuing me, and this limerance, this time is about rescuing myself. I won't let myself do something that would fracture both out lives inevitably. Or embarass myself, and lose my job. I like my working relationship with you, it’s familiar. But sometimes, the limerance creeps in and I just wish I were her; the one who gave you three kids. And me? I can’t even do what my body was designed to do. Create life. I just can’t forget it, and the first day we met. Phew. 😮💨 As I’ve been told before, I can connect dots sometimes where they don’t connect. You probably doesn’t know I’m alive. I’ve been known to live in the fantastical.
It was just the look in your eyes when they lit up, even tired and burnt out from the day. It’s that, that I can't ignore. It was was that moment and it was on fire. Like nothing I have ever felt. Even still. I couldn't cross those lines again. I'm wayyy too old for drama like that. Plus, we’re both Michigan kids. And that always makes me feel better. But you definitely came from upper middle class. You went to some private school and I was all public school. I was good at some things in school. Regardless, we were not the same economic class. You went to college and I did not. I am on a much lower level than you. In economy, a perfect family and wife. I have been divorced once, no kids and still not engaged. Sometimes I wonder if I’m slow. An ex told me if I picked men like cars, I would’ve been married still. I have my own accomplishments, they are just minor to yours. I have passions that could never support a family. So I put them in different boxes. Work here, and home life here. But yet. It’s the lingering touches. The moments when you smile all charming and sweet. Somehow I know that has gotten you in trouble before. Regardless, I won’t fall into that trap. The chemistry is contained. Where it will stay. Otherwise, it may set off a metaphorical grenade in both our lives.
I drift back and daydream about your strong hands and forearms. The way you are open with me, the way you were with your kids, to the times you spend problem solving at work with us. You’re a superb leader and yet, when you choose to be, a damn kid just like the rest of us. I’m working hard to be a better professional and maintain my dignity but, after the Christmas party and seeing you all warm and fuzzy after wine, I wanted to follow you home, right to your bed. I was also a little buzzed as well to be fair. In another life, we would’ve. With less responsibility. We recognized something profound in one another. But who knows, I could be overthinking everything.