Feeling so lost, I hope that posting here will help in some way. I’m 9 weeks postpartum. Last Tuesday I had my first full day back at work and when I came home, my dog was walking drunk like, wobbly on his back end. I knew immediately it was likely IVDD or degenerative myelopathy. He’s a German shepherd, so prone to both. He was 8 years old. I called the emergency vet and they were at capacity. The next closest one was 2 hours away. I had been up since 2 am with my newborn, had just gotten in a major fight with my husband which had me crying and depleted on top of the intense worry and fear over my dog, I honestly didn’t feel I could safely drive 2 hours there and back. I’m also breastfeeding so this felt like an impossible task. I decided to call our vet first thing in the morning. When we got him seen, they agreed it could be DM, IVDD or a spinal tumor. They wanted to start him on carprofen (anti inflammatory) for a week and see how he did, then proceed to an MRI and surgery if no improvement. The days following he got worse. He fell down the stairs a few days later and was clearly in pain. He couldn’t stand well enough to poop or pee. I had to use a sling to get him around outside and lift his back end up and down the stairs. It was clear to me this would not get better. A year ago I would have done the MRI and surgery, but after realizing there have been signs that I missed for over a year, I knew that whatever this was, it had progressed too far and surgery was a major risk. I would have felt awful if he died during surgery, as he hated the vet and knowing how scared going into it he would have been would have killed me if he died during. I also had no idea how I would care for a newborn and a big dog healing from surgery if it was even successful. Seeing him like this was awful. I knew he was in pain and this wasn’t going to get better. I knew it was time after watching him like this for 4 days. I had someone come to our house to euthanize him Saturday.
It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. This is the worst pain of my life. I’ve experienced a lot of grief in my life and nothing compares to this. I adopted Forrest when I was in my mid 20’s. He got me through nursing school, Covid, moved across country with me and back, was there when I fell in love, bought our first home, got married, was there through my pregnancy and now postpartum. He is such a deep part of me and who I am. I feel like half my soul has been torn from me. The pain is so physical at times, like it takes the breath out of me or I feel nauseous. I also have waves of not wanting to be here at all. I could never do that to my family but I just don’t want to be here anymore without my boy. Of course this is all accompanied by extreme guilt. Guilt that I didn’t do enough, guilt I am a bad mother, over less walks and adventures the last couple years, over the times I got angry with him over getting into the trash or barking too loud, guilt over suicidal thoughts, guilt over how this is taking attention and presence away from my newborn. I was always taking him to the vet for every little thing. I noticed everything. How did I miss this? Was I so absorbed in my pregnancy and planning for the baby that I just ignored it? My husband has been very kind and is grieving immensely as well but I worry the toll this will eventually take on him. We take shifts with our newborn bc she won’t sleep anywhere but on our chests and he has the 9pm-3 am shift but also works a demanding job. On top on this all, I run a flower farm/floral design business and need to get everything planted as I have several weddings this year. I’m just so overwhelmed and so depressed. The house feels so quiet and empty. Every move I make that isn’t met with his reaction sends me into tears. I hate this so much.