14 months ago today I had my son by scheduled C-section for fetal macrosomia. Due to the circumference of his shoulders, he was incredibly difficult for the surgeons to remove.
Recovering from this surgery is ongoing and has been harrowing. I was completely unprepared for the experience that I’ve had — stories from friends and family about C-section recovery described it as “easy breezy” or ,at the very worst, a few months of pain and difficulty before feeling mostly okay again.
I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of why this isn’t my experience and wondering if I wasn’t as tough, fit, or mentally strong as other women.
Countless sessions of physical therapy and medical appointments later, I have massively improved but I still live with daily pain and do not physically feel like myself. I am making peace with the fact that I may never feel that way again.
At the same time, my son is an angel and being a mother is the best thing I’ve ever experienced. He is the light of my life. He is healthy and whole, which I know was not guaranteed and I do not take for granted.
Holding these things side by side is difficult and painful. I always knew but never internalized that pregnancy and childbirth are not health neutral events. I am not even close to being able to fathom putting myself through this again. I may never get there even though I never pictured myself having one child and I would love to have one more.
I’ve always heard of women “losing themselves” after baby, but I thought of it as losing time to yourself, hobbies, rest, relaxation, identity. I never even thought of losing myself physically to this extent as a possibility except in extremely unlikely circumstances.
I’m putting my experience forward as someone who really really thought this could never happen to them in case it helps someone else feel less alone.