Pure ocd or anxiety?
Hi.
I recently started seeing a therapist and brought up the chance of having pure ocd. It is something that i have been contemplating for years, but i have struggled to conceptualize it in my own head without it feeling like a storm of thoughts and anxiety.
As a child, i remember being very anxious at a young age. I didnt grow up in the best family, and i remember working hard to not upset anyone. I became chronically aware of how others reacted towards me. Largely, when i look back i realize that I was experiencing anxiety about how others viewed me. This anxiety was formed on the basis of if others liked me or not, if what I did was morally just. For example, i remember i had a smaller fight with another girl in elementary school. Everyone found out and i remember isolating myself, sobbing thinking everyone hated me. I couldnt accept the fact that other people found out a flaw. Being caught doing something was extremely distressing. .
I went into middle school and a large compulsion of mine became surrounded by sex. I was convinced that everyone was going to find out that i masturbated. I remember a girl telling me that she was going to send me something. I spiraled about how I thought she was going to share with everyone that I did so, and that she somehow saw what i did. Without ever having told her or her ever seeing me. She told me later on that she was just sending me her birthday invitation.
I also remember convincing myself around that age that I was pregnant. I had never slept with anyone, my period was late by a day or two. I remember sitting on a roadtrip taunted by this idea that i somehow got pregnant. I had convinced myself that i was going to be pregnant snd that there was nothing i could do because we were leaving.
I remember having intrusive thoughts about if i am attracted to dogs, i became convinced that my father was romantically interested in me. I built up resentment towards him. I still have these fears when he is near me or when i am near babies or animals. That someone will think i have a crush on him. I have the thoughts in the back of my mind that someone will somehow find out, even though these things are not true. I disgust myself thinking that I am aroused by these things, in fear that they are true.
I cannot sleep unless i have fully emptied my bladder. I used to get up to pee every 20 minutes until it felt enough to sleep. It is better now. But i cannot sleep unless i have fully pushed out all my pee.
. I am on an snri and buspar, both of which have helped tremendously. However, i have never formally been diagnosed with ocd. Many of the things i have shared i have gotten a lot better.
As i have grown older, i find that these ruminations have gotten less extreme. I largely still ruminate on my conversations. I cannot believe that i am a good person no matter how much i am convinced. I analyze every conversation to see if i had been annoying. I cannot convince myself that my friends actually like me. Am i actually funny? Am i actually smart. I must not be smart because i cant do xyz even thought i have been told i am smart my whole life. People laugh at my jokes, are they faking it? I feel immense shame and guilt after conversations i think i have overshared in. I ask for reassurance if i was being weird or awkward from other people. I wake up replaying convos and go to sleep replaying them.
I had always thought these patterns were just anxiety.especially now since they are not as extreme with medication. I am having a difcicult time deciphering if i have a form of pure ocd or if I am experiencing regular social and generalized anxiety.