idk why but even after 3 long yrs, im still in love with my ex, but i also feel like im a POS and dont deserve to think abt her at all after what i did
long story short, it was going very well until the last month (we had been dating for ig half a year alr?) im diagnosed with depression (nvr went too far but here and there i wud get depressive episodes, making my insecurity or my mood just go haywire)
i hurt her alot (i did some things im not proud of like spending more time with my toxic friends over her which led her to crying and i always wasnt there for her during those times, big arguments when she tried to help/be there during my episodes, always asking her to breakup with me and go be with someone else since im such a fuck up even tho she wanted to help so bad)
after that particular episode, i had the rash decision to just say some hurtful things to her (i lose interest or wtv so lets just break up) we ended up breaking up on the day we were supposed to go on a big planned date to the aquarium (tickets brought alr) and i basically left her at a MRT station (she had given me back the necklace i made for her and i rejected “a final hug” from her)
i wanna say that im not here asking for sympathy ik im a fked up person yes ive come to terms with that
i just dk how to feel these days, im constantly thinking abt her and missing her and basically scolding/hitting myself on why i didnt be better for her (this has led to some instances of self-harm, that has been taken care of thank goodness)
idk i just needed to get this off my chest cause idk whats wrong with me or smth and it constantly hurts to think abt her (best of all im graduating soon and i keep hving the thought of maybe seeing her again? fat chance ik, considering i think shes with someone else rn) i keep thinking of maybe asking for forgiveness f2f but ik thats a bad idea also (did it once online and got blocked on everything)
yah idk i just needed to say this this is dumb lol (ranting on a reddit post how sad is my life lol)