i dont know how to explain this.
ive had derealisation since 2022. First it was episodic.
last year it got WAY worse. it turned to depersonalisation too. ive been in this same episode since november 2025, and its only getting worse.
My memories dont feel real anymore, and i cant remeber what happened recently. i dont recognize that person in my memories. sometimes i even forget what i look like. i feel like im in autopilot and js there. sometimes i cant differentiate dream and reality. Not to mention the world feels so fake, which ive had for 4 years now.
and lately ive had epidoes that last like a week, and during them i feel like my mind is in a fever. its gotten so bad its shattered my personality Completely. i also have strong hyperfixation and misofonia, i Dont know if it correlates at all but it just makes me feel even more incomplete and problematic as a person.
and sometimes, when im all alone, i get thoughts that tell me to just leave a couple of letters and my 4-year diary behind. It also tells me to do stuff to myself like poison myself with my oil paints, turpentine or nutmeg (and i did poison myself with nutmeg last christmas, when i was ina "mental fever" and under those voices) I know this all sounds silly but idk.
its not that im afraid ill do something, ive always been very rational and never seriously thought about committing however ive always been passively suicidal since i was 7 years old.
i am 16years old and a male if it matters.
and i dont know. I feel like im shattered and unstable as a human because of many traumatic things that happened in my early childhood. I just feel defeated and unrepairable as a person. And id certainely give up on life, i just cant leave my parents and siblings behind. That would be selfish.
also, ive talked about some of these things with my school psyhcologist, however ive not told her anything about the voices or any s word. Because ive never told my parents anything and i dont want to tell them. But i cant get further treatment unless i tell my parents.
which i will never.
i dont know at this point. i dont even know why i made this post in the first place. I feel like im just a inch away fron complete insanity, although that last bit of sanity is so strong it wont fail me even though i wanr it to give up already.
i just want to find peace..