I have absolutely no idea where my porn addiction is taking me anymore.
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I don't like writing long texts, so I'll be brief. I've been masturbating since I was 13, and it hasn't stopped, despite the number of times I've prayed to God. I even had the courage to confess to four spiritual leaders, went on a prayer retreat, fasted at church for three days, and now I wonder why it hasn't worked.
I want to stop completely because I look at my life and see how much I could have achieved spiritually, or even in terms of opportunities. I, who from a very young age had incredible talent for music and writing, have never done anything with it. But I also met a girl, and she's great, even though the end of the honeymoon phase is hitting hard, but it's going pretty well except that I've started developing cuckold tendencies.
Funny thing is, I heard about it online and I thought it was ridiculous, even though I watched porn, and more and more, I started imagining things. And to be clear, I've had a problem with girls since I was young; I was always the guy they rejected, and I was also bullied. Does that have anything to do with it? I don't know. But now, I can't watch porn without looking for people who look like her cheating on me, or sometimes even people who look like us, basically like I'm having sex with her but through those two actors.
And it's just strange, when I'm just masturbating, I think about girls I find sexy, but as soon as I watch porn, it's someone who looks like her that I'm looking for. And it has happened, or rarely happens, that I masturbate to pictures of her. The truth is that we are Christians, I helped her in her faith and naturally we grew very close until we ended up as a couple, but as Christians, we know the rules and she seems much more willing than me to stick to them.
That's why I sometimes wonder why I masturbate. Is it because I don't have access to sex, or do I feel worthless because I don't see myself as attractive to women, or something else entirely? Maybe someone else is going through something similar. How did you get through it?
For my part, I pray to God, I ask Him to change me because the truth is I had homosexual tendencies when I was younger, and I prayed so much about it, and I'm free maybe a year or two before my first porn video watched, and that gives me hope that I'll be free from masturbation and porn too. Do I have a sex demon I have to fight my whole life? I'm overwhelmed by all of this.
I hope this isn't too long. Here's where I'm at.