u/FixLow4096

ok ik im not “fat” (4”10/4”11- 80-85 pounds im sorry if this is triggering but idk i need validation i used to get complements on my body multiple times a day and now i get none…) but i used to be underweight and im done i cant wear anything besides a hoodie outside OR inside my house (ok im just going to warn here this writing is about to be atrocious i just need to get my words down and im tired, sorry im typically a rather adequate writer…) thank g-d i have a school uniform but im starting to not be able to bring myself to take my coat off in school, even if its hot i cant even let people see my body with my uniform sweater and modest skirt… so i just wear my coat all day even in the heat… ive missed so many opportunities this year due to my weight… my dietitian told me all these lies about what going to happen once im “recovered” and all my doctors upon doctors said i’d finally grow and get my period (news flash- i didnt, and would you look at that- my younger sister, whos not skinny, her growth is now slowing down AT THE SAME AGE MINE DID HUH) anyways i have no friends i cant let anyone see how fat i am by recess and lunch i just go to the bathroom to throw up what my piggy self ate i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

im literally worse than when i wasnt eating- im throwing up, constantly crying, have no friends (thats also partially because i just hate my school- i feel as if im way ahead and should just graduate already… although the trajectory of this writing says otherwise lol sorry again im currently running on no sleep so i cant even write a coherent sentence, let alone a lengthy paragraph, so i’ve completely disregarded any ounce of grammar…but nonetheless) i pray to be skinny and to be sick constantly (oh and dont get me started with religion)… ive tried dehydrating myself and forcing myself to eat copious amounts of salt with little to no food in the hopes of making myself ill… I. AM. DONE. im not eating i need to at least at the very least just get under 80 or at least near it since i’ve gained so much weight this week so i can finally do things UGHHHHH

𝒶𝓈𝓀 𝒶𝓃𝓎 𝓆𝓊ℯ𝓈𝓉𝒾ℴ𝓃𝓈 𝒽ℯ𝓇ℯ**／** 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝓇ℴ𝒹𝓊𝒸ℯ 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇𝓈ℯ𝓁𝒻**！**

╰──────****༺♡༻****──────╯

Hi, just to clarify this is my first post on reddit lol… anyways i used to have an ed, i barely ate and was underweight… my doctor made me go to a dietitian in order to aid my weight gain (claiming it will help me grow, since im also short- he credited my height to my weight, which is upsetting since my sister is the same age i was when my growth started to slow- and she isnt skinny… ughh now i feel like this was all for nothing i wasnt even bone skinny i was just thin) :( to say i was furious would be an understatement… nonetheless i’ve reached my goal weight a few month ago and since then have been on a downward spiral- i started purging (by throwing up- i dont even have to stick my fingers down my throat i just push my stomach as if im pooping….heh) anyways to get to my point ive tried to stop, ive tried to starve myself but i just cant go a day without doing it :( i think my bodies just used to it and im so out of touch with my hunger cues… i want nothing but to be skinny again even though im only a few pounds over the underweight line (i pray and cry all the time for it- i know im crazy i even pray to get sick to lose weight… ive treid to eat copious amounts of salt with no water in hopes of making myself ill) ugh to wrap this up because i dont even know where im going with this im now sitting on my bed with a bowl and a bag (since my parents are suspicious of me spen so much of my time in the bathroom) i need to stop ughhhh people just say “just eat balanced“ but im all or nothing…(all as in no food, nothing as in throwing up)

ok i dont know how to wrap this up so im just going to end this rant by apologizing for my atrocious writing, im typically a rather adequate writer but i seem to have gotton fairly carried away…