u/Fit_South8668

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Cbse results came. Idk how I scored that low, tbh i kinda know why. I was in a very low time of my life. In maths, those questions that I had practiced sm times, i blanked out on them idk why.

I was still hoping I'll clear the criteria for bitsat. But I didn't. And even in subjects I had DONE good, i got so low marks in them.

I was locked in for bitsat. All I needed was a 250. I was pushing through mocks. Then result came today.

I did so bad in it. They won't let me take a drop. Since the past 6 months i dedicated all my waking moments to bitsat. It was the first thing I truly ever desired. Everyone in family is talking about sending me to a random college for ece. Or forcing me to do bba mba or something else.

I swear to god if this happens I'll never ever forgive myself.

Bits was my dream

I'll never ever forget this if this gets true.

I NEED to take a drop

Cbse results came. Idk how I scored that low, tbh i kinda know why. I was in a very low time of my life. In maths, those questions that I had practiced sm times, i blanked out on them idk why.

I was still hoping I'll clear the criteria for bitsat. But I didn't. And even in subjects I had DONE good, i got so low marks in them.

I was locked in for bitsat. All I needed was a 250. I was pushing through mocks. Then result came today.

I did so bad in it. They won't let me take a drop. Since the past 6 months i dedicated all my waking moments to bitsat. It was the first thing I truly ever desired. Everyone in family is talking about sending me to a random college for ece. Or forcing me to do bba mba or something else.

I swear to god if this happens I'll never ever forgive myself.

Bits was my dream

I'll never ever forget this if this gets true.

I NEED to take a drop

SAME AS TITLE
PLS KOI JALDI SE BATADO

How hard is it compared to just a single BE degree?

I have always wanted to pursue cse but seeing eco+cs degree, it's quite tempting too. Since I've always had an interest in economics and I wanna go down in the finance line (or tech field), I'm not quite sure about it.

How hard is it to manage acads w social life and clubs and stuff w msc eco degree?

Also if you're just pursuing cs w a finance minor, will it give the same possibilities as eco+cs student.

(Sorry for asking rn, I know I should just study atm but I was thinking about this and it just kept going in my mind so i thought I'll just ask)

How hard is it compared to just a single BE degree?

I have always wanted to pursue cse but seeing eco+cs degree, it's quite tempting too. Since I've always had an interest in economics and I wanna go down in the finance line (or tech field), I'm not quite sure about it.

How hard is it to manage acads w social life and clubs and stuff w msc eco degree?

Also if you're just pursuing cs w a finance minor, will it give the same possibilities as eco+cs student.

(Sorry for asking rn, I know I should just study atm but I was thinking about this and it just kept going in my mind so i thought I'll just ask)

I'm so scared coz of my dream

It's mostly a blur, but me and someone else might have been doing something illegal in an underground room and there was a lady working and she caught on us for the second time and she called the police on us. And I ran quickly to the underground room to see what's going on but by the time I went, everything was empty but there was a duffet bag sitting in the corner. It had my father's surgeon tools. (Knives and stuff, also my father is dead.)

And then I went up and i was talking to the lady and i asked her if u find something of my father in that bag, will u give it to me? She said yes (somehow whenever I'm trying to remember her face, it's giving me an eery feeling)

Then I had to go to the police iirc. So i said 'alvida' (that's weird bcz that's not a common word in my vocab, i always say bye). She asked me what does 'alvida' mean to me? I said goodbye, no? She said something like no (and said one more line but I can't seem to remember it) and then she had to go to the bathroom and she stood up and looked at me (like stared deep into my soul) and said will u wait for me for some minutes? I said yes but then I woke up suddenly coz of some notification.

I know this is so stupid but I'm just feeling so weird, like my brain feels so foggy and it's like I'm present here rn but mentally im not here like everything's a blur ever since I woke up.

It's mostly a blur, but me and someone else might have been doing something illegal in an underground room and there was a lady working and she caught on us for the second time and she called the police on us. And I ran quickly to the underground room to see what's going on but by the time I went, everything was empty but there was a duffet bag sitting in the corner. It had my father's surgeon tools. (Knives and stuff, also my father is dead.)

And then I went up and i was talking to the lady and i asked her if u find something of my father in that bag, will u give it to me? She said yes (somehow whenever I'm trying to remember her face, it's giving me an eery feeling)

Then I had to go to the police iirc. So i said 'alvida' (that's weird bcz that's not a common word in my vocab, i always say bye). She asked me what does 'alvida' mean to me? I said goodbye, no? She said something like no (and said one more line but I can't seem to remember it) and then she had to go to the bathroom and she stood up and looked at me (like stared deep into my soul) and said will u wait for me for some minutes? I said yes but then I woke up suddenly coz of some notification.

I know this is so stupid but I'm just feeling so weird, like my brain feels so foggy and it's like I'm present here rn but mentally im not here like everything's a blur ever since I woke up.

Im self aware that I'm being such a whining person from the past many days. I keep falling into my old patterns and then I end up doing nothing.

Till this date, I don't know what hardwork is like. Or consistency. Or discipline.

Till 10th, never had to study a single day. I rarely went to school and only studied one night before boards. Got pretty good marks. I didn't know what discipline or consistency is like. I was confused between commerce and pcm but I ended up choosing pcm. (My own interest) Ever since I was a child, i always wanted to go with pcm only. I loved it. I used to read so many books of way higher classes than I was at that time. I remember reading so many different stuff about space, physics, maths and what not. It's like that version of me is so long dead. Then came 11th, I have always only been able to work under pressure. If there is no pressure on me, I will be a mess. I remember my mom words, it was like "tu pure saal kuch ni kregi but at the end of the day when yk exam kal h toh tu kuch toh krke top krleti" like u are responsible enough that even if u procrastinate all year and do every random shit, at the end of the day, if there is a deadline the next day, you'll spend the whole night working on it.

I thrived at this atmosphere, the moment someone took away the competitiveness and the pressure, I'll be a mess doing every random thing possible.

Then came 11th, i studied the first 2-3 days so good but then of course I ended up destroying myself, i stopped studying. My class was not good, it was filled w all the people who js wanna waste time (in the end i turnt out like them too) i remember when I was a child i would look at such people and think what are they doing w their life. That's me now. My younger self would absolutely hate me rn.

Then came the monthly test in 11th, and in the end I only studied like for 1 or 2 day MAX (not even 2 days properly), did everything from scratch and got something near 200. I was surprised because I didn't put in any effort here too. Then came the next tests and I ended up doing the same things and I performed good too in the end. But then as the level rose, my teachers weren't good too. I could never understand what they were even teaching. But I never had the courage to ask for batch change. Then, in the next tests I tried too but by then it got so tough, that I couldn't cope up and in the end I used to js give up and never do anything. BUT if we ever used to get some homework, I'll bother putting it off till the very last hour and then do it and do it good. It was like if the thing is not in front of me I cannot do it. But if the level is too high then my brain would collapse too at the end of the day.

I remember we had a halfyearly mid 11th, we didn't know it'll take place sk we all were surprised. I didn't know basic shit in maths. But then, that pressure came back that this marks will go to the parents and idk how I got that hyper focus back. I started studying one night before the exam, didn't sleep all night and studied the whole next day too. I ended up crashing out at 8pm. But I had completed almost 90% of my maths ncert from scratch. In less than 24 hours. But then when I saw these exams were just formality and that they don't matter, I couldn't study for the next exams.

This continues and then 12gh came, i was too locked in in the starting. But then the same thing happened. I did good in the homework but I could never study all day. It's like now, present time, I have forgotten how to study completely. This not only showed up in studies, it was like in everything. Everything i ever do, it's like it has to be done at last possible second. And my mind, bg the end of the day I'm always so tired without even doing anything , it's like my brain just never ever stops being quiet. There is this constant chatter. Always.

Then when coaching ended i was like okayy I'll start now. I was confident enough that I can easily score good but again, i repeated my old patterns. I mostly stay alone at home all day so I just never get the drive to start. It's like i WANT TO START but like I'm stuck to this place and I just physically can't. Ofcourse, i fumbled in jee too.

I could have done good in the last month too but the pressure was too high and my mind had js forgotten how to cope up with it. I spent the whole days just crying. And it was like i won't even bother studying anything at that point bcz i knew I wasn't getting above 93%ile. I won't even bother to attempt the questions I might know. Why? Because it still won't be enough to get above the particular marks.

Then after jee ended, I was like okay I'll start now.

I didn't. In boards too, it was like I had so much brain fog and in the exams everything that I had studied I just forgot. Literally blanked out. I spent the full month in my bed crying sm. Then after boards ended i again thoguht okay I'll pull through now, no i didn't. The patterns just kept repeating.

Bits is my dream college, but in actual life, I am not putting any effort to pull through. After session 1, i was gonna be so locked in but i wasted 2 weeks now.

It's like the same pattern. And it's not like I enjoyed or smth, no. I wanted to study really but it's like I am paralysed that I js can't make myself get up and start. I don't even do anything all day.

The same pattern repeats.

Not doing shit-> then regretting about the wasted days-> then by doing that wasting the time I have rn too.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry for such a long post. I don't have anyone i can talk to this about. I've literally utterly become someone my younger self would just completely hate.

I wanna try my best in the remaining days, but the guilt is eating me alive that why did I waste sm days.