Hi, I’m a male, 22 years old, and I’m basically asking this because I am really lost in life regarding my wellbeing.
For some background, I don’t come from a “really abusive” family or anything, my parents just weren’t really around when I grew up, they divorced when I was 14 and that’s where I started drinking and smoking weed almost everyday, school was really easy for me so I never had any problems with that, as long I did my homework my parents weren’t involved in my life. My first suicidal thought was at 8 years old if remember correctly, I had 2 suicide attempts (16 y/o) in my whole life, nothing serious, I just tried to get run over with my motorcycle (I tried this method because I thought that an accident would be easier for my family to accept than me taking my own life). I talked about it a couple of times with my mom but she only said something like “you have free will to do anything you want, I can’t stop you”. At 20 i decided that I wanted to be a pilot (so i moved to another city), which didn’t work out because it’s kind of expensive and I was rejected from the Air Force because (and I discovered it there) Im neuro divergent. Now I’m in med school and I’m really passionate about becoming a doctor, which actually was my first plan and real passion.
I am smart, handsome, athletic and have friends, the relationship with my parents is becoming better and better everyday.
But every time I accomplish another goal, milestone or I do an improvement in my life, I feel like an asshole, like I don’t deserve it and get the feeling that something bad is going to happen because I should’ve maybe gotten here before (?)
Does anyone else feel this? Am I broken? Can this change?
P.S.: I haven’t had suicidal ideation in a long time now.