The signals my body is giving me are making no sense to me.
I started out with a 5 minute session and I felt a bit unsettled, more raw and sensitive, but also a bit more grounded and calm and I could see myself slowing down my speech and speaking more clearly (I struggle with verbalizing well because my brain is always going too fast and I’m subtly anxious). The next day I continued to be more emotionally raw and cried for a while for the first time in forever. Just for myself. Felt good after. Then the day after that I felt oddly positive and kind of happy.
I recognized that the 5 minutes may have been too much so I tried a 2 minute session.
This one was even weirder. I felt the same unsettled feeling and I felt more emotionally raw and sensitive. I could literally feel like I took off my armor. But simultaneously I had this very calm and grounded feeling. Afterwards I remember hearing a song briefly and life just felt magical for a second. And after the session on my drive to work, I started to get random bursts of pleasantness and love for no reason. I just started laughing. But then 5 minutes later I kinda spiraled back into overwhelm. When I got to work I noticed myself being less hesitant at socializing. But I really did not feel like talking to people. Everything felt a little too overwhelming. But again, I had this very grounded calm feeling in my stomach area. It was such a paradox. I was even able to handle a very stress inducing situation with a lot more ease and without panicking. The day after was alright, I was still a bit sensitive but I still had some of that calm grounded feeling as well. Then the day after that, I woke up with happiness and optimism.
These first two sessions gave such a paradox of effects. So I had no idea what to conclude about if the pacing was optimal.
So I tried a longer session. I did 12 minutes. Right after the session, I felt nothing really. It’s like nothing changed. I didn’t have that overwhelmed and raw/sensitive feeling nor did I have that grounded calmness. I felt a little bit of calmness right after but it went away pretty quickly. And I was able to handle socializing at work a little better for the first 30 minutes, but I was quickly over it. And then my socializing was a bit awkward. I felt my usual mental/social fatigue and dissociation and felt drained after work (which is usual). After the previous sessions, I still felt pretty decent after work.the day after this 12 minute session, I woke up with no anxiety and felt pretty optimistic and actually awake after sleep. Which I usually don’t feel. But then I felt kind of dissociated after a little while. Had to do a lot of studying for an exam and usually I’d feel anxious studying and when taking the exam but I didn’t really feel anxiety. Although something’s just kind of felt a little off in a way I can’t explain. Socializing was also a little awkward too despite not having much anxiety.
I don’t know how to interpret these effects of practice and whether I should do less than 2 minutes or experiment with durations closer to 12 (a little less and a little more)? I’m just confused.