u/FitDesigner8127

Have you guys noticed that a lot of these couples who want to adopt assume they will be great, loving and amazing parents? They’re just so sure and confident. “I know I’ll be a great mother”. How do they know? They don’t. Is it narcissism? Is it a shallow understanding of what it takes to be a good parent (let alone an adoptive parent)? In the case of infertility, are they overcompensating because of a deep feeling of inadequacy? I mean, it’s good to be confident. It’s also good to be realistic and aware of one’s flaws and weaknesses, and I just don’t see that in many of these people.

I (59F) had my surgery three months ago and have generally been doing well, but I get more headaches now than I’ve ever had in my life. They’re not migraines or anything, but they’re annoying and frequent- I was never prone to headaches before the surgery. I also have more neck pain and general crackling sounds higher up on my neck. I did not have neck pain before the surgery. My main problem had been Radiculopathy.

The doctor didn’t seem to be too worried about any of this at my three month post op checkup last week. She said the crackling is due to arthritis (sucks getting old). It’s just that it’s gotten so much more pronounced since the surgery. Could I be getting ASD? I guess I’m just writing to see if this has happened to anyone else and/or if it’s normal.

You guys know what I’m talking about, right? PAPs wanting to “foster to adopt” in the main adoption sub (which is probably representative of PAPs outside of Reddit), typically because they want to adopt a baby, can’t afford it, and then look into fostering to adopt a baby or an older child as their next option. What a bargain! . Like it’s just another normal way to become a parent. No big deal. I’ve know they’re clueless for a while now, but I never realized the scope of their cluelessness, entitlement and selfishness.

My neighbor is fostering two elementary school age girls. They are great kids and I’ve grown so fond of them. You can tell how traumatized they are because of certain things that happened with their mother that led CPS to removing them. I’ve learned so much about the trauma kids can go through and how much care and attention and work goes into being a good foster parent. But these PAPs just see it as a means to an end. They don’t have a potential foster child’s best interests in mind. They don’t even seem to know that the main goal of foster care is to reunite children with their families. And because they want to adopt, they will most likely hope that reunification fails. They have NO CLUE that the children they want to adopt will have gone through so much. Or if they are somewhat aware, they just minimize it and believe that giving them “a loving home” (blech) and a little therapy will solve any problem.

Anyway, I was adopted as an infant, and I usually focus on that when talking about adoption. I’m kind of ashamed of the fact that I knew pretty much nothing about foster care and about how little these PAPs know or care. I just assumed it was more ethical to adopt a kid from foster care because obscene amounts of money don’t change hands. It isn’t.

ETA I’m talking about the US system. I apologize for being US -centric. I don’t know enough about how it’s done in other countries.

Seriously, why do I even participate in the main adoption sub when about 90% of the time I come away from there feeling like crap? IT IS SO TRIGGERING. I was invalidated constantly as a kid and young adult, and it just feels like more of the same. I grew up fighting my dad all the time with his dismissive “comments” and his criticisms and his short temper. Take an anxious kid with an insecure attachment style and shaky self esteem and then invalidate their feelings every other day and you end up with an adult who is highly reactive to criticism and always on the defensive but looking for a fight at the same time. I’m done with reliving this when I go over there and try to explain whatever it is to people who don’t listen and to some who even actively criticize us for speaking our truth. So if anyone sees me over there in the future, kindly remind me to leave LOL.