Took acid and realised i’m an attention seeker
As the title says, i recently took acid with some friends and realised i live on attention seeking. What’s really bothering me is that before doing any action type of action or saying any word, i would analyse how the people arround me would me see it, whether they will think im cool or not, whether they’d think i’m beautiful or not, smart or not, deep person or surface level person. But the biggest problem that i find very sad and i hate it is that i am a jealous person. I’m jealous of my friends not all of them but those of them who are more beautiful more cool more knowledgeable and i find myself always comparing and if someone would do somethingi would also wanna do it. I know this sounds pretty much like how the mind of a child looks and normally i never act on my jealousy or anything but under the influence i would try to copy (?) them!
I also came to realise that outside of being jealous or wanting attention, even for action that are completely normal and come from deep within me without any other hidden motives, i find myself afraid of other people’s thoughts on me when i do them, like whether they will know i am an attention seeker or want them to look at me although as i said these actions wouldn’t be for the attention of others.
Sometimes when a friend of mine gets a compliment i am genuinely happy for them but i find myself putting an effort for my facial expressions to no show i’m jealous of that compliment.
I think it’s really bothering me because i have friends tha i really love but some of them i’m kind of always irritated with them because they are effortlessly cooler or look better physically.
I know this is probably coming from how I was always being compared throughout my childhood that i would sometimes lie about things to feel people’s positive feedback or worse their compassion for me.
I’m very troubled ever since i took it days ago and i feel like i don’t like myself i don’t love myself i hate how i am and how shallow i am on the inside. I don’t know if therapy would help me become a better person and not care about this or not. Pls help.
TL;DR : i took acids and realised i’m a very jealous person and would copy actions of others that look cool to seek attention.