Here are my first, second and third attempts. The specific things I'm hoping are clearer than in last attempts are the stakes and the hook. It is a single POV so in particular I'm hoping that I've put in the "right" amount of Jack's perspective. I've also worked on some clarity around wording who Sophie's ex is versus Jack because it seems like I wasn't clear.
Dear Agent,
THE LONG CHANGE is an 86K single POV, contemporary sports romance that combines the emotional complexity and acts-of-service hero of Liz Tomforde’s Play Along with the professional stakes and guarded but ambitious heroine of Stephanie Archer’s The Fake Out. It’s a story about a quiet kind of feminine rage, and an insidious brand of toxic masculinity.
Sophie Blanton never gets angry.
She’d rather fold herself up into whatever shape keeps the peace. No one with healthier coping strategies would find themselves returning for another season as the athletic trainer for the Royals, Seattle’s NHL team, after being brutally dumped by their assistant coach over the summer. She’s going to play nice with her ex, keep her head down, and maybe rekindle her dreams to go to medical school. It’s a great plan, until the surly star right-winger she’s always thought hated her gets in the way.
Jack Bishop doesn’t ask for help.
His well-meaning Midwestern parents taught him that men are only ever meant to suffer stoically. So he knew exactly what to do when Sophie walked in three years ago and took his breath away: keep her at a cold arm’s distance. He’d rather have a painful need buried in his chest than need someone he can’t have. But now that she’s single, when a charity Sophie volunteers for needs a hockey coach, he can’t help but step up.
It’s a bad idea to get involved with a player. But something about Bishop gets under her skin. It’s an even worse idea to go to his hotel room after he hides an injury from the team. When her ex notices, he tells management they’re sleeping together, and Sophie that Bishop bragged about it. His career on the line, Jack has to decide if he’ll keep his injury secret at the risk of losing Sophie. Heartbroken, out of a job, and with a reference letter from the Royals she needs for medical school now locked behind an NDA, Sophie has to decide if she’ll retreat into herself, or if she’s pissed enough to burn it all down for her shot at love and her dream career.
Thank you for considering,
Abby