Why do I keep doing this? Wasted years in my university
I can't study. I don't have... the ability, I think. Currently sitting for some of my last exams of my uni life and I can't help but realise how little I studied the entire last four years. I had five days to prep before an exam that is tomorrow (in 12 hours) and I barely focused for 200 minutes as per my focus timer thing on my phone. I feel this sense of utter hopelessness that I often have every night before an exam, but I always end up doing nothing about it and eventually return to this same spot feeling like garbage.
It feels like there is a mental barrier between me and studying, I can't focus for long periods of time, I get distracted easily, even deactivating my socials doesn't help because then I find more creative ways to procastinate (workout, cooking, reading stuff unrelated to my exams, applying to jobs).
My grades aren't the worst, but nothing that would help me achieve meaningful things that I dream about later in life. I wasted four good years of my life behind a degree that in the end I only vaguely understand. I wish I had done more, but knowing me, even if I had a time machine to go back four years, I'd probably end up wasting, being distracted and getting the same, if not worse, grades.
It's over for me after tomorrow, no amount of locking in would ever save me or my grades, no more next semesters. I had all the chances I needed to salvage myself, many times in the last 4 years, but I didn't. I don't know why. I hope no one ever feels the way I do now. I wouldn't wish this despair on my enemy, knowing that I had everything in my hands to secure a more certain future for myself, but I ended up choosing distractions and instant gratification over my future.
Thanks for listening, just needed to vent in front of strangers. Have a great rest of the day!