Started with DP/DR at 17, now 24 and can't tell what's me, what's depression, and what's medication anymore
I've been dealing with this since I was around 17. One day I woke up and everything felt unreal. I was conscious, functioning, but nothing felt like it was actually happening to me. It lasted days and I was terrified. I couldn't get out of bed.
Got diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Started on Lexapro. The DP/DR eventually faded, but the depression and anxiety stayed, and I've been on some form of medication ever since, switched a few times, currently on vortioxetine (Brintellix) 15mg. Already tried 20mg, already switched before.
The thing is, I started medication at 17 and I'm 24 now. I don't know what it feels like to be an adult without meds. I can't tell what's the depression, what's a side effect, what's the medication working, what's it not working. It's all blended together in my head and my memory.
I've been in therapy for about 4 years with a psychologist I genuinely trust. We've identified the roots and it all makes intellectual sense. But understanding it hasn't changed how I feel. I've been stuck in that same place for over a year now.
Last few weeks have been the worst in a while. No energy, can't focus, brain fog, sadness with no specific trigger. Had the thought of "I can't take this anymore." Not in a self-harm way, but in a "I don't know how to keep living like this" way.
I also carry guilt because I don't lack anything materially. I have a family that loves me, access to good treatment, a support system. And still I feel like I've spent most of my adult life feeling worse than okay.
What I'm actually looking for: has anyone here started with DP/DR young, ended up on the depression/anxiety/medication track for years, and felt completely lost about what's actually you underneath all of it? Did anything break through the plateau ? a different med, a different type of therapy, something else?
I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I'm not looking for "go see a doctor." I'm looking for people who've been in this fog for years and found some clarity.