23M here. So...about two days ago, or really for the past three weeks, I've...done some really bad things to a person who didn't deserve it. I'll be frank and up front, I'm a lonely person. Most people in the modern day are, I suppose. But really, I have no one. Not even family. And to preface what I'm about to say before I say it, no, this is not an excuse or redirection of blame by any means. I'm a grown man. I made several grown man decisions throughout this entire ordeal, and I am the sole party to blame. I post this, not for sympathy or understanding, but because I am tired of hiding wrongdoing behind a mask. I know I'll probably receive hate for this post, but it's what I want. What I deserve really, for breaking the trust of such an innocent person. So, fire away. I can take it.
Anyways, about three weeks ago I messaged a...person...via an email disguised as a well written letter. This person has a penchant for letters so, I figured they would fancy it. The "letter" itself was actually nothing bad. I just explained a bit about myself and my interest in their work. And, to my surprise, a couple of days later they responded in kind. Now, I personally want to say that I did NOT do this for any innocent reason. In truth, I had a - dare I say - crush, on this person, and went about it in one of the WORST, most DELUSIONAL ways possible. And their response was nothing more than a dopamine hit to me, regardless of how much I admired their work.
In this three-week period, we sent about two more letters to each other before calling it quits. Why, you might ask? Well...the second letter I sent was a little lazy to say the least. For my standards anyways. So...I (Forgive the formatting. This is really hurting me to recollect) made a google forum addressing this, made to be like some sort of, questionnaire type deal. If you've ever dealt with forums, you know what I'm talking about. To make a long story short, this particular forum was entirely too much in terms of depth and (this is the big one) I...ended up posting a shirtless photo of myself within one of the questions. Aaaand...yeah. Obviously, we cut contact after that.
But we didn't just cut contact. She sent a letter (email), a final letter. And the contents of this letter shattered any and all notions of who I previously thought myself to be. It wasn't all bad though. Amongst her various criticisms (fair criticisms. deserved criticisms), she left two requests. One, that I continue writing, because she genuinely believed I was a great writer and wanted me to continue. And two, to become a better person. Clearly, better than I was two days ago.
Her words broke me. They cut deep. Deeper than any mask or false identity could defend against. And she made me realize who I really was and what I was willing to do under the guise of anonymity. Ever since that day I've...been writing nonstop. About the people I've callously wronged in the past. About the sincerity of my own character. And, most of all, how I intend to become a person worthy of penance.
If the person I hurt is reading this, I'm sorry. I truly am. And there's no amount of apologies I can give, I know. But I'm taking your words seriously. I'm trying to change through my own writing, as you asked of me. I'm not good, and frankly, I may never be good, but at the very least, may I be worthy of your forgiveness.
Again, I'm telling this story to expose myself to the reality of my actions, as I have avoided in the past. Be as honest as you'd like.
Oh, and I'm a writer on Medium btw. That's how I've been fulfilling her request. I plan on dissecting a part of myself and my story each and every day to confront (and hopefully change) my shortcomings. Not advertisement, just supplying context.
So, am I as bad as I think I am? Or am I overblowing the whole thing?