u/Fine-Comfortable-692

Long story, short partner, and I broke up. It was not good. There were problems I was having that were partially related to the Covid and partially related to maybe who I am and then partially related to who they are and I miss them terribly but that’s not the entire point.
After they left, all my symptoms came back in some capacity. There was always a fear, especially around my period that the mild or symptoms I was having would get worse. And sometimes they did. But now they’re getting closer and closer to being unbearable. And my person is gone. There are things they could’ve done better, but I blame myself. Because if I had been well and not sick or if I had been stronger and instead of myself or if I had realized things long ago, this wouldn’t hurt as much.
But I’m back to not being able to get warm literally I can’t stop shivering and I have goosebumps all over me. I have that sensation but it feels like an ice bucket is being dropped over my head and floating down my spine. I can’t concentrate at work as well as I should be, my intrusive thoughts because I developed more severe case of OCD are back. I’m having trouble eating I feel like sometimes I have trouble breathing. I have trouble swallowing pills. Sometimes I gag…my head hurts my eyes hurt my sinuses hurt my whole body hurts. I already had fibromyalgia. I already had anxiety. I had already been dizzy for ages and was too scared to drive and would sometimes get a vertigo sensation in gasp and yell sometimes it hurt to be touched. My jaw is killing me. My back hurts. I have pain in a couple very specific areas that no one can figure out …and my person is gone.
I’m on so many supplements. I just added iron. This all gets worse when I hit my period and that’s when I can’t stop crying.
Sorry, I know this is lengthy. I’m using voice chat because my hands hurt I’ve been in and out iop I start feeling better and then the symptoms come back for a while. I’m supposed to make a decision that’s gonna impact the rest of my life. I have lost hope that I did a few months ago because in spite of everything I have over a dozen mental healthcare professionals telling me what’s going on. The illness and relationship are not my fault …but they also arent giving me a solution other than to just carry on.
And so in my desperation to connect. I thought I’d reach out to you guys. I had been quiet for a really long time. I was doing OK, but not great. Their thoughts I have that I tried to shake out of my head. They just won’t go away. I didn’t know how fragile I was. I thought I had my person. I was stable enough to function enough to have a job maybe even I could have kids and now I see I might not survive this at all.
I’ve been praying for years that doctors and family would believe me. I’ve done some stupid things and I’ve kept on fighting because I had something to fight for and I don’t have that anymore and it’s not that I see myself is worthless. It’s just that I can’t see my future at all.
I don’t know if anyone will read this. Everything is topsy-turvy. I thought saying this out would just make me feel better. Let me feel less alone. I don’t know how much longer I can feel this sick. I’m still trying, but I’m scared.
I love you all.