I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Lobster6319
Originally posted to r/offmychest
My fiancée and I are having the biggest argument of our lives. She thinks I'm being tacky but I thinks she's overreacting
Trigger Warnings: >!possible bigotry!<
Original Post: October 18, 2025
I don't know if I'm going crazy or what, but my fiancée and I are having a huge argument. We (27m) (26f) aren't even married yet and we've never had an argument like this before in our entire relationship.
In my home province engaged couples host a party before their wedding. People call it different things; a social, or a Jack and Jill or a stage and doe. The purpose is for the couple to raise money. The couple rent a hall or some other venue. People pay an entrance fee and there are raffles and/or games and/or a silent auction. Family and friends of the couple donate the prizes, they bring food for a potluck and alcohol so drinks can be sold at the party.
My fiancée says this is the tackiest thing she's ever heard of and doesn't want us to have one. She refuses. She said it is the height of rudeness to hold a party where the guests have to pay to attend, donate prizes and money and bring the food and alcohol. It's common to invite people to this if you are close to them as friends but not close enough to invite them to your wedding but my fiancée almost exploded when she found out. She says there is no way we are having one, and we'll have the wedding and honeymoon we can afford. I don't know what her problem is. I've been to a ton of these in my life. Everyone I know who has gotten married has had one. My fiancée said they don't have this in her home province and she's never heard of it before. (I don't know if it's common in the province her and I currently live in or not).
I went back home to my cousin's stag and doe when my fiancée and I had just gotten together but my fiancée said she thought a stag and doe was a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. Since my cousin's wife was pregnant and this was the second wedding for both of them. I never said anything because I thought my fiancée knew what it was. I don't see why she is refusing to have one or digging in heels so much. My family and friends keep asking about when we are going to have ours. They think it would be weird to not have one. My fiancée's family and friends agree with her. I swear I've never argued with anyone about anything so much in my life and it's really starting to get to me. I think she's overreacting and I'm tired of arguing.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: OP, you need someone to give you advice who comes from a culture where getting married is a community event. Where the whole purpose is coming together and helping the newlyweds with money gifts to get started on their new life.
Too many ignorant white people here judging a custom I don’t have myself in my culture but I can relate to the spirit of it because on the wedding day there is a ceremony where guests pin money on the groom and put golden necklaces or rings or other valuable jewelry on the bride.
You fiancée is ignorant to your culture. That is the problem. She is centering her beliefs as the norm and is not able to acknowledge that what she feels like is tacky is a well-known tradition that you seem to value. And I do too from what you have described.
Your fiancée should come down from her high horse and have a talk with you as to why she is so ignorant to your tradition.
And you guys need to have a talk about traditions you value (especially with raising a kids if you plan to have any) and traditions she values and to see if you have similar values.
> OOP's only comment in this post: I apologize for any misunderstanding, but I am confused. > > My fiancée and I are both white. We are Canadian, and both sets of her grandparents, and both sets of my grandparents immigrated here from Scotland. Her and I come from the same culture and are the same race. > > Again if I misunderstood your post I am sorry, but I really don't understand what our race or culture has to do with anything.
Commenter 2: Yeah, it sounds tacky as hell to me. Sorry dude
Commenter 3: So you invite people to this gimme party, but not your wedding? Your fiancée is right. It’s tacky AF.
But even if it wasn’t, shouldn’t your fiancée’s feelings supersede a tradition? Why can’t you change it up? Compromise on the party. You guys provide the food and drink and only invite people you’re inviting to your wedding.
Commenter 4: You’re choosing between holding to tradition and the comfort of your fiancée.
She’s calling it tacky, but I guarantee it makes her uncomfortable to ask her family and friends to attend the event.
Update: April 22, 2026 (over six months later)
UPDATE: My fiancée and I are having the biggest argument of our lives. She thinks I'm being tacky, but I thinks she's overreacting [NAW]
So the update is that my (28m) fiancée (27f) and me didn't get married. I posted here 6 months ago about how we were having the biggest argument of our entire relationship.
Back then I had no idea all the arguing and all the things I said would lead to this. But all the fighting and anger exposed the cracks in our relationship and things began to fall apart. Maybe our relationship wasn't as strong as I thought it was. I don't know.
I regret the way I acted and the things I said. No matter how much we were fighting I know at the end of the day the breakup was ultimately my fault because of how I acted.
There was a big divide between us because my ex-fiancée and her family and friends thought having a social/Jack and Jill before the wedding was tacky and the height of rudeness. Me, my family and my friends thought having one was fine. The wedding was supposed to be on Saturday.
Today we would have been 4 days married and on our honeymoon somewhere. But instead I'm trying to get over the pain of our breakup. I don't even see or talk to her now. No advice wanted.
Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update here
Top Comments
Commenter 1: Not surprised this massive cultural difference broke you up. I worked at a (American) wedding venue for nearly a decade, have literally attended hundreds of weddings and worked in the planning of many more, and had never heard of using acquaintances to fundraise for newlywed life until your post. It's that much of a cultural differences.
May you find your true match one day soon.
Commenter 2: 100% team ex-fiancée. What you were asking of her was extremely tacky, and she made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t comfortable; that should’ve been the end of the conversation. You made a conscious decision to disrespect the feelings of a woman who was meant to be your wife. That was the hill you chose to die on, and now it’s time for the funeral. You brought this one on yourself.
Commenter 3: My man, you got battered in the comments six months ago and it seems like you should have listened to Reddit/your ex.
Commiserations, I wish you happiness in the future.
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