(I added the NSFW tag just as I mentioned a few things, no detail or anything but just a pre-warning)
Hey all just some questions for anyone else who is under CMHT support.
For context, I struggle with Bipolar 2 disorder and found this out during University. I am currently under CMHT care with a care co-ordinator involved. I started to reflect on my months being under their support and it's left me questioning, what is it that they are actually meant to be doing?
For starters, I saw my psychiatrist every 3 months and recently every 6 weeks due to some concerns relating to my medication. I am on a waiting list for CBT with an approximate waiting time of 9 months. I see my nurse on an irregular basis and pay privately for counselling sessions - this is for my own sanity, as I tend not to speak to others, like family, regarding my thoughts and feelings.
The only concern I have now, being someone of bipolar, is what the hell am I meant to do when the depression hits again? I have a poor way of dealing with it and it only seems like its getting worse. The only reason why I am thinking of this is because of things happening in my life, and one of them including the health of my childhood dog. Now it seems silly really but my dog is my life, basically my child, and if she disappears, I fear I might too.
I am quite useless at taking my medication when I am feeling as great as I am now because I don't feel like I need it, like I have cured myself, only for it to make me worse in the long run. I'd do anything to sustain the way I feel, and having it my way I'd make sure that I'll never see the darkness ever again.
Being on medications makes me feel like I can't live my life without being in the fast lane anymore and living life in the slow lane just doesn't seem as fulfilling. I like being on a different wavelength than everyone else, like I am the only life of the party. The invincibility I feel during this is not comparable to anything else.
I am currently as happy as can be and doing so many things to keep myself pre-occupied. But from past experience, I know this feeling is only temporary, even though it seems like it will last forever.
When I fall into a depression, its the hardest emotion to navigate without feeling like disappearing from the face of the earth. Keeping myself well is immensely difficult. I have reached out for help as much as I could but it felt like no one was taking my concerns seriously.
This involved phoning my nurse, who is incredibly uncommunicative anyway, pleading to just be locked in a box or anything to stop myself from doing anything too crazy. But nothing was done about it. I understand that sometimes there actually isn't anything they can do. Occasionally, my nurse would mention about crisis houses and such, I was more inclined to be away from my family in moments of crisis, as I never want them to see me in those states. However, no action was taken, and it felt like empty words without action. Action is what I needed, without being left to my own devices and countless near misses. It isn't good for the people around me who worry constantly. I really only care about the people who surround me when it comes to these things.
In my depression, I feel like I genuinely can't reach out to them. I find it difficult to just be able to get out of the corners of my room let alone plead for someone to save me from myself.
It seems weird that I really care about not dying right now but now I feel happy and I can't help but look back at the times where I could of really not been here now, its made me feel more anxious than ever when I have to think about ways to really protect myself from myself - if you know what I mean.
I guess you could say I have deep regret of even thinking about not being here anymore, because why should I have felt like that? Life is great! I hold hatred towards my former self and the person I become when I am in a depression, and I'd do anything to run away from her. It's like I am different people in one mind, imprisoned from one another and unable to escape.
For now, I am just speeding by, and from one bipolar to another, I sympathise with you and hear you, this shit sucks man.