I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
M 28. I've sat down to write something like this a lot but everytime it comes across as the most pity party type shit I'm the world but I'm at my witts end and I don't know how to deal with it aside from putting it out there and letting people slap me back into reality. This all might seem like a giant ramble, and it is. So forgive me now lol.
From all aspect of life I should be great. 10 year relationship, job that pays the bills, have a house. But I'm just fucking sad all the time. I sat at my computer for 2 hours today just staring because nothing seemed interesting to me. The whole time I was in a call with a friend of mine and I just couldn't connect and engage. Anything he said would be met with some negative bullshit from me, even though I was truly happy for the things he was telling me.
I feel like life is going nowhere for me. While my job pays, I'm never going to move up. I'm never going to be able to live comfortably. It genuinely feels like nobody actually likes me and I'm just tolerated in my day to day life.
I have no acquaintances outside of work, and the only people who I can call friend exist on a screen. I even got to the point where I was talking to ChatGPT just to try and have a conversation with no expectations behind it. Its just been a Neverending cycle since I can remember of meeting someone, they enjoy my company for a few months to a year then they revert back into small talk/essentially ignoring me/'wow that's crazy replies. The only conclusion i can come to is I'm just insufferable to be around.
So what would the solution be? You would think it would be to take a step back and take a look at myself to fix the things that are wrong. The only issue with that is that when I try to do that, I start to get the feeling of "Why should I change myself and the person I am just to appease others" and then the cycle starts again with whoever is new at my job.
My only hobbies are playing video games and collecting pokemon cards so I just feel like a massive loser. At 28 I should living. I should be going out. I should be able to connect to people on more than a surface level. Sometimes I feel like my fiancee is only with me cause it's easy, and she's herself has stated she wouldn't wanna start over with anyone else. I know it doesn't mean what I think it does but my brain won't let me forget it.
Idk I'm starting to feel hopeless. Like I don't want to die but I wouldn't really care if it happened