Can I have some feedback?
First time writer, as you'd expect, and I just want some feedback is all.
If you're not hooked in any way—assuming you enjoy this kind of genre—I'd be glad to know what I can improve, especially regarding my sentence structuring.
● Chapter 1: Why He Is What He Is
Agragul could see bright, colorful explosions emitting from the window in the door to the Chemistry room. He peeked inside the active class, finding the potions, the complex mixing, the elements, and everything else so intriguing despite his incredibly young age.
To a human, his heifht was unnatural and it made him very noticeable through the window; at only the age of 6, many would mistake him for a guy twice his age.
His eyes widened a smidgen as the older teenagers in the room started noticing the shadow that his body had cast through the window. A frown formed on Agragul’s face as the people—Dwarves especially—began insulting him and his rare species as a Dirvakia. Heavily influencing these insults are the several visual traits he is cursed with that most Dirvakia are not.
Four black, grotesque spider appendages stemmed from his back and loomed over his shoulders and hips, sharp enough to pierce through the skull with little force. Heterochromia in the form of one deep-blue eye and one blood-moon eye made for a horrifying sight; accompanying the rare trait were trails of the respective color that appeared to drip down his cheeks—though it was only natural skin. His other 3 poison-green eyes were all arguably just as disgusting, the largest one in place of where the human’s third eye would be located.
Agragul wanted nothing more than to become an all-powerful Chemist-Necromancer, yet not even the teachers could hold a normal expression at his appearance.
As Agragul headed out the exit doors and to the gravel road home, he heard one last line thrown his way.
"Never come back, you disgusting demon! You atrocious Spombie!"
Agragul stopped in his tracks, clenching his fists as he turned to face the guy. His eyes appeared to glare with a fury no normal child could create.
The guy standing at the door—a dwarf by the name of Jacovi, age 17—rattled in his boots despite Agragul’s young age. Fortunately for him—or maybe unfortunately—his facade did not wear off.
Agragul walked up to Jacovi slowly as he absorbed his further insults.
"What's wrong? You think you scare me? You're... you're a mistake God forgot to erase.” A tiny portion of saliva was spat onto Agragul’s face, causing him to flinch and his disdain to grow.
Agragul stopped a foot from the guy’s face, not even having to look up due to his height.
"Stop calling me that. You know I hate it." Agragul’s 4 rear spider appendages swayed slightly with silent threat.
Jacovi’s fear could be smelled even by a human, but he was known to be a courageous one and didn't back down.
"Your threats are meaningless. You're an insecure—insecure creature who cries himself to sleep
every night." Jacovi leans in, not knowing how far he was pushing Agragul. "You probably have a dedicated pillow for you to wallow in, spombie." Jacovi spoke the last word with an undeniable challenge—a challenge that Agragul didn't take lightly.
Agragul stood there, almost as if waiting for Jacovi to speak again, his face betraying a severe lack of emotion for a child.
"Did you piss y-"
Agragul jolted his left shoulder forward. In a flash, one of his spider appendages went piercing directly through the poor dwarf's heart, creating a tiny, yet effective hole. Agragul smiled at the tiny bit of blood splattered onto his pitch-black face, relishing at Jacovi’s instantaneous gasp.
Blood quickly started falling from his mouth in a rate equal to that of a water tap. Jacovi managed to yell out a single, feeble word in a raspy tone.
"H... H... Help!"
Just a minute later, the Chemistry teacher showed up with some of the other students. They all gasped at Jacovi’s body lying on the floor, blood continuing to pool intensely from his mouth and the aggressor gone.
"Agra... gul...” Jacovi muttered the name weakly—his last words.
Agragul lived the day out as if nothing happened; the smile that crossed his face after committing such an atrocity stood proud. As he walked home with his father, he ignored his berating—his vicious scolding and threatening.
The gravel road enlarged into a square, four-way intersection—the center of the village. All the local merchants advertised their product with great enthusiasm while the store owners and cashiers awaited arrival with bored expressions, the day bright to all else.
Agragul walked straight ahead into the busy center of the village, Jacovi’s blood a stern reminder of the horrendous act he had just participated in, and yet, he isn't bothered.
It was minutes later when Agragul realized his father was gone, finally noticing the lack of physical threats. He looked around for all of 10 seconds before shrugging and resuming his walk home. Unfortunately, his peaceful walk was cut short when he blacked out—a loud scream and a metallic object bashing his skull was the only thing he remembered.
Agragul awoke on a wooden rocking chair in a room filled with books and chemistry supplies.
"Name's Kolwa.” Spoke a deep, unidentified voice.
Agragul hastily searched the room with zero fear, confident that he could take out the perpetrator. His eyes finally came to rest on a figure by the right-side door, who appeared to be reading a Necromancy book in a rocking chair of his own.
Kolwa closed his book and stood up. His long, purple robe bounced slightly as he did so, the golden rims and buttons glimmering lightly from the candlelight. Kolwa wore no shirt, his fit figure alone enough to intimidate most people, and despite this, Agragul watched with defiant eyes.
Kolwa has medium-length hair that is slicked back to curve down his head and resembles a mullet, while his hazel eyes constantly felt like they conveyed horrific intent.
"Listen, Cardinger. You're not here because I'm some low peasant pedophile or because I want you a corpse." Kolwa paused, letting the words sink into Agragul. "I know that you'll come to love it here, Cardinger, because I'm going to teach you exactly what you so desire, and all I ask for is your cooperation."
Agragul sat perfectly motionless as Kolwa approached and knelt in front of him.
"I've watched you—"
"How do you know my last name?"
Kolwa went to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, he looked at the floor, scratching his chin.
“Look, that’s not important. Let me explain the important part.”
Agragul is silenced by an insistent Kolwa before any words can come out.
“I've watched you for quite a while now, and I must say that you'll be my perfect student:
heartless, vengeful, criminal, and best of all, you desire Necromancy and Chemistry." Kolwa grinned, his two front, silver teeth glistening under the moonlight through the windowpane as he listed the unholy traits on his fingers—he knew he could shape this child into something truly evil. "I'm the warlock that can grant you all of it." Kolwa paused momentarily, thinking about what to say next.
"So, what do you say, Cardinger? All I need is your word." He arched his brows, eagerly
awaiting a response.
After a tense, uncomfortable silence, Kolwa sighed, figuring that a little more dark promise could help.
"Tell you what: I'll also do whatever deed you ask of me, okay?" Kolwa moved his hands around in all sorts of ways to emphasize things—he loved to gesture. "I'll—no, we'll go and kill whoever you want, or torture whoever. It's your call. That's the final condition I'll throw in."
After a little more silence, the unusual child finally let some words spill out.
"Fine. I want to learn Chemistry and Necromancy anyways.” He said in a petty manner.
Kolwa furrowed his brows.
"Well, that—were you not listening?" Kolwa squeaked out, his pitch high with annoyance whilst he pointed at Agragul.
"I chose you as my student primarily for those reasons. Well, you also fit the outcast, vengeful criteria. But point is, I require a student like you that I can shape into something beautiful."
Agragul smiled in response, almost as if he were trying to piss him off.
Kolwa watched Agragul explore the room with an evil, yet truly excited grin of what's in store for the child.
"Why do you need a student?" Agragul’s young, seemingly innocent voice surprised Kolwa.
He turned, looking at him from across the room, having remained by the chair and spending the last few seconds planning the future.
"Well... I have this 'business' that requires active attention and a great deal of creativity. So, I’ve been scouting for someone to fulfill that role."
"What’s a ‘business’?" Agragul replied curiously as he grabbed a thick book from the shelves. 'How to master lightning conjuring and why it's so hard to learn.'
Kolwa delayed the answer, coming up with a clever response.
"Agragul, do you like watching people fight to survive? To see what they’ll do to dig their chances out of the grave?" Kolwa didn't even need to kneel to grab the thick book from his student observing it.
"Oh, I love that! Action is so fun!" Agragul’s tone was now filled with cheer, his mind visualizing crazy action sequences. He was so excited that he interrupted before Kolwa could respond, showing that he really did find the perfect student. “Like, the battle of Stamford bridge? I bet that was so fun to watch! I wish I was there!”
Kolwa couldn’t help but be baffled at the revelation that Agragul was aware of this piece of history.
"How do you know... you know what? That’s great! It just shows how smart you are!" He patted Agragul on the shoulder to show how proud he was. "But, yes. That’s what I’m talking about: people fighting. I make money from it—that’s a business; that’s my business."
Agragul’s yellow teeth were revealed in full view at his bright smile, causing even Kolwa to hold in a disgusted look as he cringed.
"Oh... ugh..." The cavities in his mouth alone—some even in the front of his teeth—were enough for Kolwa to wonder what kind of parents this kid had, or rather, how stubborn he was.
"Wow! That sounds like so much fun! Can I see?" He was beaming with so much excitement that he was oblivious to both his teeth’s condition and Kolwa’s disgust at them.
Kolwa let out a fake chuckle, his eyes unable to look away from those teeth.
"Agragul, I promise I’ll show you soon. Right now though, we have some things to do."
Kolwa could see the excitement in Agragul’s jittery fingers as he guided him somewhere by his shoulders.
"First, we'll start with a new toothbrush." He whispered mostly to himself whilst thinking about a place he might have a spare one.