I’ve been in recovery for about two years now. I struggled with anorexia really badly starting around age 11, and I’m 21 now. Recently I got into a healthy relationship, and since then I’ve gained some weight.
This morning I caught myself researching ways to lose weight “faster” than starving myself, and that scared me. I feel kind of hopeless right now. Part of me really misses the feeling of being hungry. I miss getting smaller. I miss that sense of control.
At the same time, I remember how thin and frizzy my hair got, how I lost my period for months, how exhausted and unwell I was. What scares me is that right now those consequences don’t feel scary. A thought popped up that losing my period again would mean I’m doing something “right.” And that honestly terrified me.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone who has been in recovery for a long time understands this feeling. Does the food noise ever actually go away? Will I ever be able to eat without shame? I’m so tired of the guilt and the ups and downs.
I don’t want to relapse. I just feel really overwhelmed and confused right now. I also don’t have a lot of people in my corner that fully understand what a eating disorder feels like so I feel like I can’t really talk to them because i know a eating disorder is serious, I have felt the effects but when I talk to anyone but my therapist I feel like I sound like a baby.