u/FieryTenacity01

It’s my birthday today, and I’m so so so so sooo sad. Over 10 years ago, I gave up the rest of my life to be there for my mom. To help her to be her only caretaker and on call 24/7. I don’t go on overnight trips, I don’t have much of a social life anymore, and I’m just here for her. I did this gladly and intentionally, I’d just become newly single, and no one else in the family was there for her and would-have done what I did for her. I love her, she’s my mom. I’ve helped her through a stroke, through knee replacement surgery, rotator cuff rebuild, a stroke, and her falling and cracking her femur. All with good spirits and all with love. She is wheelchair-bound, from her fall. We have done physical therapy and she’s always in a lot of pain. She is going through dementia now, and it’s SOOO fucking hard! This morning, for the FIRST TIME in my WHOLE LIFE, my mother didn’t sing happy birthday to me like she’s done every year – even when I wasn’t taking care of her and had my own life living with my own family. Everyone has moved away and it’s just me and her. She wanted to take me to a wonderful lunch today at Brenner’s Steak House in Houston. It has been raining all night and hasn’t let up this morning. I wanted to make us a lovely breakfast, but she was almost dressed and thought we were leaving for our (lunch?) reservation at 8:30am. I walked out of her room, went outside to the garage and just cried and cried and cried. The tradition has ended, I didn’t have my beautiful sweet mommy sing me happy birthday, and she thinks we need to leave in 30 minutes to go eat. I don’t know if the rain will let up, because I cannot carry an umbrella over my mom while I wheel her out to the SUV to help her get into it and drive us to our lovely lunch at the steak house. She’ll be all wet, it will be a disaster, and I just don’t even know at this point if I want to go anywhere anymore. I’m soo sad please I need some words of advice of encouragement, forget my birthday. My mom is losing her mind!! I’m beside myself. I went back in to her room and told her to just relax, we weren’t leaving for another 4 hours for the lunch and she could just chill in her shirt and undies like she does every day. As I’m walking in, she tells me she sang to me, “my dearest Harty”. THAT”S MY FATHER”S NAME and he passed away on 1/11/2009!!! She called me my pappa’s name. I just can’t. I just CAN’T! This is the saddest birthday I’ve ever had. I gently said, “Mom! That isn’t my name….” And then she said to me, “oh just correct me why don’t you. You’re such a bitch. What a horrible person.” I just quietly walked away. I’ll be here, alone with my mother who is losing her mind. We probably won’t go anywhere because I cannot figure out the logistics of keeping her nice and dry while getting her out to the SUV and into the SUV to get to our amazing lunch that was supposed to happen. At this point I just want the rest of the day to be without drama, without conversations that happen 6 or 7 times in a row. The same conversation over and over again. I just want my mom back. If wishes came true, I wish that she could be okay and better and not in a wheelchair. That won’t happen. Instead, I wish and pray that she will remember my name and that the rain might go away before noon so we can go to the lovely lunch she so badly wanted to treat me to when she mentioned it 5 days ago. I pay for everything in the house, I don’t ever ask her for a thing, which is totally fine and I can manage just fine. She wanted to treat me and I thought how sweet yes it will be a beautiful memory we can have together. My mommy is fading away in front of my eyes and I don’t know how to handle it! I don’t know how much of this I can handle without breaking down, falling apart. Losing it! Please dear God, I just want my mommy back. I just want to have a regular normal sane and happy day. I don’t even care about my birthday. Fine no lovely song from my mom wishing me a happy birthday. I guess I need to accept that, too. I haven’t stopped crying since I first went into her room this morning. I hope everyone out there holds their family close and cherishes every moment. Because if something like this happens and slaps you broadside without warning, it’s a cruel and painful thing to accept and feel and watch. I hope I can stop crying. I will pull myself together after I post this. I have to, for my mom. Please send positive vibes and pray that today will be a good day. Venting here has helped me a lot. Thanks for listening. I hope you all have a great Friday, and I’m sending out love and light to all.