As an elder daughter of the youngest daugther and that too in middle class family feels so pressuring that I am not even able to tell them I am not feeling well at all!
This is just an elder daughter vent... you can ignore it if you want. And if you indeed read it... sorry to spoil your mood.
Like the title says. I (22F) is eldest daughter of my mother who is the youngest daughter in her family and my father is the eldest son in his family. I won’t exaggerate when I say this... I am mentally cooked and not now... since so early in life because supposedly this is a deadly combo where the eldest daughter looses herself and became an adult even when she is just 14. I don't hate my family but I don't love them dearly as well (except my younger sister... she is my life). I am fed up acting like grown up everytime and considering everyone's feeling. Growing up as obedient kid who is not allowed to take her stand as it is considered "talking back", who gets scolded for slightest disappointment, who has been made to treat my sibling like second mother than just an elder sister... I am fed up. Of my life. Of everything.
I am so fed up that even wanting to tell them that I am not well and I apparently have some heart issues... feels exhausting. I don't want to tell. I don't want to go through dismissal, then over worried stares, then talks like you are making me scared... I don't want to. I don't want to make anyone worried. I am contemplating how to tell them and for 2 days I am not able to tell because I don't want to. I rather would prefer to go alone and handle everything myself alone (yes, becoming independent for almost everything than relying on them is a side effect of all this) but I am not earning yet, so, financially I am still relying on them. This is the worst thing. Even with health insurance— for preliminary checks I would need money and I don't have enough money to afford it and we literally stay together. How will I secretly do all this?
Moreover, if some heart related issues did come up... this is will be second biggest surgey. First being right side ovary removal due to cyst 3 years back. Even that time I didn't tell them the symptoms. They wondered (doctors and parents When I got diagnosed) how can I get such a big cyst without prior symptoms. I didn't tell them then this isn't sudden. I was having major back pain and I literally searched about ovarian cyst a few months before surgery and cyst it was. This time as well I just know what symptoms are indicating towards and again... I am not telling. I am worried this is will again end as something major.
And you know what the biggest dilemma is? If I really want to tell them about this. Heart condition worsen will end up with me no more in this world. And I am so done with everything around me that this isn't even looking a bad option. Should I just not tell them? Maybe I will finally get permanent relief from all this mental overload. The only thing stopping me is my sister. We have a huge age gap and we are very close. I am super worried about her. I just now my death will break her bad. Just today we were talking about something going away and she said just you don't go away from me. I mean if I die I wouldn't know how she is feeling... but I don't want to ruin her childhood. Maybe once she grows up, I will finally give in. I don't know why I am venting here. My post even might get delete. I am just so fucked up in mind and body right now that I am not thinking straight. I hate it. I hate everything.