I’m 23 I have 2 Daughters a 19 month old and a 4 week old. I’ve felt pretty ok until yesterday when I realized that I’m just a mom to everyone around me. I don’t have a personality, I’m not interesting, I have no life just reliving the same day in the same four walls over and over and over again. Just me and my phone. I had two friends but they both moved away and now I’m stuck inside and at home every single day. No opportunity to make friends not that anyone would want to be friends with me anyway because I’m basically just an NPC. I must not be doing good at being a mom because I never hear it from anyone. The literal only thing I had going for me was my body. And I destroyed that by having two kids so now I’m just here. There’s definitely jealousy too lol. My brothers wife gave birth 2 weeks after I did. Her first my second. My brother and his wife and daughter are living with my parents and my parents are doing night feedings for them watching her so they can run to the store or go out or eat. They don’t have to do any cleaning. Any bills. And they get so much sleep. I’m stuck with my husband who will tell me “I’ll take the night feeds so you can sleep” but when ever he says that and ONLY when he says that he ends up passed out in the living room so I have to wake up to the screaming baby and do the night feeds. And even on the rare occasion he DOES actually stay up and do her bottles I’ll wake up to her screaming because he’s put the diaper on wrong and she’s peed everywhere. And last night when he offered again and then we both fell asleep and woke up to the baby screaming he didn’t get up to get her the bottle or change her diaper. I waited for him to but he didn’t. Then he was all “well I didn’t get much sleep last night” A- he’s an adult that’s not my problem and B- HE FCKING OFFERED to do it. And I said that I said well I didn’t ask you offered so you shouldn’t be offering on a night you know you didn’t sleep. And then he came back with “fine I’ll never offer again”. And didn’t understand why I was ignoring him and not talking to him anymore. He gets to sleep as long as he wants whenever he wants. He gets to have hobbies. He gets to take naps and have friends and go out with friends. And I’m stuck here living in groundhogs day for at least the next 5 years. Be makes the money so I can’t really do anything about it.
And even tho we’ve been together 6 years he still doesn’t love me or want me. He was always one of those emotionally unavailable guys who just doesn’t care about anything. I said 2 different sentences to try to start a conversation before the fight. Just about the moon and then I don’t remember what else I said but he didn’t even have his phone out or anything to pretend that he didn’t hear me. He just ignored me. He was on those hookup chat sites for about 4 years we were together. He tried to break up with me about 3 times and always ended up taking it back and coming back. And yes I know it was stupid to take him back when there were so so so many signs that he didn’t want me but I’ve recently discovered through therapy that I was raised to be a mother and a wife. And after a life time of watching my (overly religious) parents do this dance i just thought it was the challenge of being in a relationship. But it’s not.
Before anyone can be like but he does love you he married you. He married me for a place to live. We got evicted from our first apartment over some dumb mistakes and moved back in with our parents. His parents wanted to kick him out and my parents wouldn’t take him in unless we were married. So he bought a cheap quick ring and proposed over a pizza box and week later we were married in Vegas. My parents don’t care that it was forced for perks. As long as we are married “in the eyes of god” so we aren’t “living in sin” anymore, they are happy. Now we obviously live on our own but he really just gets home whines about his day, ignores everything I say and games or works on his music. Or sleeps.
I feel like a fucking burden and I was raised that the less of a burden you are the better wife you are. Can’t kms cause no one else will care for these kids. I hate my life.