Exhausted. Anyone else feel more stressed after accepting “help”?
I just need to vent and get this out somewhere. I’m exhausted. Any advice welcome.
Sorry it’s long, I don’t know how to condense it any further..
We’re first-time parents to a 4-month-old and we’re 5 weeks into the 4 month sleep regression. We’ve gone from two predictable wakes a night to hourly wakeups, plus 4:30am starts most days. I know it’s normal, but it’s still brutal. I’ve tried changing naps and routines but nothing really helps. My partner is amazing and helps as much as he can, but we’re both burnt out.
What’s upsetting me most is the situation with my mum. During my pregnancy she constantly talked about how she’d help us, have the baby overnight sometimes, and give us a chance to rest, especially because she does that for my sister, who has a 4yo.
My sister had a very easy baby, happy and high sleep pressure, never touched a regression. Whereas ours has had CMPA issues and has been really difficult to settle for most of his life so far. Over the last month, he’s settled on a hypoallergenic milk and I seem to have found a better groove with him. I know his wake times, his sleep cues, different ways to soothe him when uncontrollably crying etc.
The problem isn’t that my mum has to help, it’s the repeated offers and promises that never actually happen.
For example, she finally agreed to have him overnight this weekend because I was desperate for sleep. She also had my nephew. A few hours later she called both me and my sister at midnight because she couldn’t cope and needed us to collect them.
Another time she convinced us to go away with them for the weekend because “you need a break” and “you don’t let people help you.” She promised to have the baby overnight so we could catch up on sleep as I’d been awake since 4:30am. We got there and suddenly that wasn’t happening, me and my partner ended up sleeping in the cold living room with the baby after driving 3 hours from work, while my mum just went to bed. The travel cot didn’t fit in any of the tiny bedrooms which was also an issue with bedtime etc. I mentioned my worry of this but she said she would sort it (hadn’t confirmed the accommodation at this time) and not to worry. It’s the false hope that hurts more than anything. I’d rather she just didn’t offer.
She also constantly tells me I’m “too anxious” or “too regimented” because I follow wake windows, keep an early bedtime, and help him nap before he gets overtired. She says my anxiety rubs off on him and I make him a difficult baby. But when she had him overnight, she ignored all of that, kept him awake for 3.5 hours before bed, and then couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t settle or stay asleep.
The other thing making this harder is that it’s now causing tension between me and my partner. When my mum called us to pick him up at midnight, he was really angry — not just because we had to go get him, but because he feels she never listens to what we tell her and insists on doing things her own way instead.
This is now the third time she’s had him and then called us because she couldn’t settle or cope with him, even when it’s only been for a few hours. My partner’s reached the point where he feels uncomfortable leaving the baby with her at all, and honestly thinks she’s being a bad grandparent. I understand why he feels that way, but I also feel stuck in the middle because she’s my mum. It’s just becoming another source of stress on top of everything else.
Afterwards she admitted she “thought she could cope.”
I think what hurts is that she says I don’t let people help, but when I do accept help, I end up stressed because she doesn’t really listen to what my baby actually needs. She expects him to behave like an easy baby, and he just isn’t.
I just thought I’d have a bit more understanding and support from my mum. Not even loads, just the occasional chance to rest, reset, clean the house, or sleep for more than 4 hours in one go.
Right now the house is a mess, baby is very high needs when awake so I get no time to do anything other than entertain and keep happy, naps are terrible unless he contact naps, and I just feel completely drained and frustrated.