Feedback Loop Of Death
Since a young age, I was addicted to porn and masturbating. I went through an endless feedback loop of death and tried everything from strict discipline and control to every change I could possibly make.
It affected me in many ways: my physical health, mental health, and most importantly, my confidence was wrecked. I couldn't intentionally interact with girls my age. I was so fed up and done with it, but it was a habit and information stored in my body that didn’t care about my suffering, morals, or beliefs. It took me to a point where I was overloaded with shame, guilt, and self-hatred.
But it wasn’t just this. Other parts of my life were fucked as well. I didn’t like my school, my family always had problems with money and relatives, and it was a constant anxiety-filled environment. My mind was always ruminating on worst-case scenarios, arguments, and bad emotions.
It felt like death.
I was burnt in the fire of hell... and somewhat purified.
Rebirth
I decided to do something about my current circumstances and go all in. But the anxiety and old patterns were still there, trying to pull me back.
I somehow got a 9-to-5 job and worked there for 3 months. During that time, I realized that I am never doing a 9-to-5 again in my life, no matter how much it pays.
During those 3 months, I was introduced to IAmRey and he further influenced many of the decisions I made. He introduced me to the basic concept of Karma in a way that practically made sense. It was also my introduction to paradoxical spirituality and non-dual teachings as an atheist.
Rey made me realize that the inner monologue I was identified with wasn’t actually me, but a stressed body living in survival mode on autopilot. I acknowledged that it was taking my life off a cliff, and if I let it control me, I would die from self-judgment.
Surrender
Through IAmRey’s teachings, I learned to let go of control and allow the parts of me that were hurt to heal. I stopped reacting to every thought and mental loop, and for the first time I had something that wasn’t contaminated.
It wasn’t a relieving or satisfying journey at all.
It was still hell — even hotter — because this time I wasn’t unconscious and hypnotized by mind stories. I was actually experiencing the pain physically in my body. I could observe anxiety patterns arise, move, and leave.
For the first time, I knew what it was like to truly feel pain.
My whole life, I had been ruminating on mind stories and identifying with them. I realized how much that rumination had damaged my body.
This phase of observing patterns went on for months.
Lust - An Inevitable Human Instinct
Lust is a natural human instinct shaped by evolution, not something to feel guilt or shame about.
It becomes compulsive when the mind attaches pleasure, fantasy, meaning, or emotional reward to it. The idea is to approach the impulse with full awareness instead of mental stories, fantasies, guilt, or pride.
See it simply as a biological action the body wants to perform, without identifying with it psychologically.
By removing the mental reward and emotional attachment, the urge gradually loses its control, because it is often the cycle of reward and meaning that reinforces the behavior.
Where I Am Now
I have now come to a point where the patterns still show up, but I have control over my reaction to them and no longer identify with them.
I now choose to focus only on thoughts that serve me and don’t feel heavy.
I can finally live with myself and enjoy my own company.
Key Things That Helped Me the Most
- Solitude
- Introspection
- Observation without interference
- Physical movement
- Detachment / disidentification from the mind
- Taking action on things that excite me
- Acceptance of my current situation