Classic bipolar success story lamotrigine
So i know when ive been depressed how much success stories meant to me so for anyone feeling bad i wanted to share the great effect lamotrigine has had for the 3 years ive been using it. I added “classic bipolar” to the title and i use it as the definition from this video: https://youtu.be/UQSBVZoEFU8?si=BhHMKTWQKUpRx2H-
And if you want a TLDR: Lamotrigine is incredible! Side effects was a mild allergic rash when I started but we redid the titration and went slower and then there was no problem. Other than that no side effects at all and approximately a 30-40% general better well being when stable - less anxiety, less irritation and negative feeling dissipate faster. No depression and no hypomania since ive started.
When i read bipolar stories from others ive often found myself it hard to recognize many of the symptoms people describe, especially it seems many people have very rapidly changing mood which is pretty much the polar opposite from my experience. Most of the time in my life ive been “stable”/euthymic/hyperthymic with bouts of hypomania lasting for 2-4 months followed by depression for 6-12 months. Hypomanic symptoms include euphoria, increased creativity, sex drive, impulsivity, confidence, sociability, grandiose thinking and decreased need for sleep. More than once ive been described as having something “special” when ive been hypomanic, even been described as having “jesus-like” qualities (this most surely adds a lot of fuel to the hypomania!). I would argue i have been borderline manic at times but i also always had a logical part of my brain that told me that the thoughts im having are just thoughts and not the truth. I have no other comorbidities and have been “well adjusted” in most aspects through most of my life. I have no known psychiatric diagnoses in my family but with what I know now it's very likely my grandfather had it and both my father and my brother have tendencies towards it.
Background: I had a generally good childhood, i mean there was things that wasnt perfect such as a father who drank to much and a period in middle school when i was bullied. But other than that nothing super out of the ordinary. I was social and had friends, maybe a little shy (especially with the opposite gender). I had low motivation in school and often skipped classes but i had an interest in learning and generally did well on tests, exams and assignments.
Symptoms of bipolar started when i was about 20, i had my first relationship with what happened to be a very abusive partner. It lasted about a year and after we broke up i had a lot of anger and was in a weird emotionally state, it took about one year after it ended until i started feeling “normal again”. But it was also after this i had my first episode of becoming super confident and social - i started a new school and for the first time i was the popular person in class - usually before this id prefer to be more in the background but now i was the one people gathered around! Ofcourse i didnt question it i was just very surprised! It didnt last though and after a while my social energy dwindled and people asked if i was okay and why i suddenly wasnt social or talking. The symptoms here was pretty mild though so it wasnt anything i thought alot about.
After this periods of depression started to appear - i assumed it was seasonal depression as i tended to be social and outgoing half the year and the other half kept to myself. I could still manage life in the depressive periods so i didnt really think alot about it.
As i grew older the depressive phases became more intense, i never questioned the “up” phases, i just assumed that was my “normal” self. Before this i had also had a hard time to accept that actually was depression - in my mind that wasnt an option so i never really consider that it could be the case. But at the age of 24 it came a moment when i felt i didnt want to live anymore so i decided to search medical care for depression. I was put on SSRI which “numbed” the anxiety and depression - this was atleast better then the feelings i hade before so we slowly increased the dose to the max dose.
Then something happened, not only was i no longer depressed, i felt great! And i mean really great! The world had more colors, everything was beautiful, i was extremely confident, social, creative and i also only needed to sleep about 3hrs per night. I did think this was weird but hey i was feeling great so why question it? From here on out the the ups and downs became more pronounced.
For the next years i kept about the same cycle of 6 months stable or sub hypomanic, 6 months down but the phases where more intense. I was very confused because objectively nothing really changed in my life, i had the same job, same partner but in period i was social, confident and the next period i was very depressed and had high anxiety. I just couldnt understand how the same situation could feel so different. But i did what i could and started to take better care of myself, prioritizing my mental and physical health at all times - but it didnt seem to make any difference.
Then after a period with more stress and a lot of edibles i once again got to a very hypomaic state where i didnt need to sleep. I was once again very surprised but didnt really question it, cause i felt great! I discussed it with people and a colleague who was a psychologist mentioned for the first time the word “hypomania”. I didnt think alot about it then but when the depression came it was bad…. real bad. For close to one year I had intense anxiety and depression - i literally didnt have on second when i felt even close to okay. I was in a state where it was hard for me to even talk, I could answer yes and no questions but anything more than that I had a hard time to formulate an answer. I remembered that hypomania had been mentioned and looked it up and for the first time i saw the diagnoses bipolar - when i read the description i felt intense dread - it was pretty much verbatim what I had experienced. But i refused to accept it and was able to convince myself that it wasn't the case. After a year I felt good again… only for the cycle to repeat.
New job, a lot of stress and experimenting with psychedelics triggered another bout of hypomania. For about 4 months i worked tirelessly in a new company with great success. I got alot of praise (this is definitely something that adds fuel to the fire) but it ended with me trying to buy the company and then quitting to start my own company.
Que depression - about 7 months with the same symptoms. Now i started to be more open to accept that i had a bipolar diagnosis, and i knew for a fact that no matter how good hypomania felt i couldnt handle these intense long periods of depression. So i looked up what kind of treatments available but reading that medication was the primary treatment and what the side effects were made me disregard searching help for it. Instead i decided id try on my own by being very careful of my lifestyle.
For 1 year I basically only went to work, exercised and meditated and I kept stable but felt very constrained and bored. Slowly i started to push the limits with doing more stuff to see what i could handle without triggering an episode. I managed to keep increase my activities and keep stable for about another 2 years. With 3 years stable my confidence grew that i had it under control so i started a bigger project that i was excited about. And guess what happened? Hypomania again…
This time i was aware of it but i felt confident that i could “ride the wave” for a little bit. Ofcouse that didnt work i was hit with another 7 months of depression.
Now i was desperate for anything that could help me. And within 2 months of going to the doctor for a referral i was diagnosed and put on medication. A great decision!!!
I was given lamotrigine and except for a mild rash that went away with a slower titration i had no side effects. I was very afraid that i would feel numb, lose my creativity or any other of the other side effects you read about. But i just feel a general increased well being, reduced anxiety. And due to having less anxiety and no depressive bout i have a higher executive function and arguably increased creativity! 10/10 medication!
I can still feel hints of hypomania sometimes but i know not to lean in to it and i have no depressive symptoms anymore.