I’ve always seen myself as someone optimistic and logical. I genuinely believe making decisions based on anger is stupid. But lately, I’ve been getting more emotional, especially when I’m around my family. However, I’m still completely fine at work and with friends. It’s just at home where things start to fall apart.
I’m 26M. I grew up poor, my father earned around RM2600–RM3000 a month, and that was enough for us to survive. I adapted to it, so I never complained. Even when my dad got scammed twice and things got worse for a while, we still made it through. We’re still poor now, but not bankrupt.
I'm a thalassemia major. It doesn't actually affect me much physically because I'm well managed with routine transfusion. I can function like a normal person, I think clearly, I can exercise, and honestly, my immunity system even feels stronger than people around me. But at 25, I realized the real problem isn’t the condition itself, it’s how unreliable and liability it makes me look to others. I’ve already been terminated by two companies just because of the diagnosis, not because I couldn’t do the job.
Then there’s my mom. She’s extremely easily triggered by small things, bird chirps, people talking, even some plot in drama/film. If I did something wrong and got scolded, fine, my bad. However, freaking 99% of the time, it’s trivial bs that triggers her.
Yesterday, she was in a good mood, asking what I wanted to eat as a reward after fixing cabinets in the house. Then she mentioned a mixed rice shop, then she suddenly got angry because she remembered the workers there like to chat while working and swear around most of the time. Instead of just avoiding the place, she got triggered, started scolding, and then intentionally went there to eat. However, her intent is not to eat, but to “monitor” them and confront them if they swear. Luckily, the swearing dude somehow didn't talk much that day. But if he did, there sure will be an argument sparks, I probably getting recorded and dragged into it. I don’t want that, the "China lady on international airline" showed me how easily you can go online by doing stupid things.
I’m not even married yet, but I already feel like I’m holding up a family. I want my own life, my own family, not one where I’m obligated to give up everything just because I was born into it.
I earn RM3500 now, and it should be enough for a normal single dude but it’s not. My mom spends like there’s no limit. Whenever she needs money, I give it (to not trigger her mental health). I cut my own expenses, eat less, spend less… after 6 months of working, I still have no savings. I haven’t bought anything I actually want (Life before is actually better, my mom is less mental and actually thinks properly). I can’t even think about a car or a relationship.
I’m starting to hate my life. It feels like I’m experiencing every shitty thing a person can go through, while I see others with supportive families, better backgrounds, and good health just wasting it, being lazy or chasing nonsense.
I don’t even know what I'm doing anymore. FML, it's also not my first time ranting here but I just feel like my life is getting worse... Just when I thought having a fulltime job means more freedom but no, it creates more problems and uncertainty, I have to pay family expenses, bills and beware company terminating me for my disease...
I’ve lived with a motto to not take responsibility for things that aren’t my fault. Stay logical, rational and peaceful. But somehow, life keeps throwing responsibilities at me that I never asked for.
They say talking to someone will feel better but my life sounds like a cheap drama plot, it's so unreal yet I'm experiencing it.