u/FederalAd5941

Hi. I’m writing this in a very raw place, so I’ll keep it as straightforward as I can.

I’m a mom whose son was taken by his father as a young child and raised 800+ miles away. For the last ~15 years I’ve had essentially no real relationship with him. He’s now 18. Recent contact was extremely hostile (screaming, saying he hates me, wants nothing to do with me, etc.), and it has me wondering if there is *actually* any realistic hope that this ever changes in adulthood.

I’m not asking for reassurance or “never give up” slogans. I’m looking for:

- Any actual research/stats you know of about adult children reconnecting with an alienated parent after many years

- Firsthand experiences from either side (adult children or targeted parents) where contact or some kind of emotional reconnection eventually happened, even if it was messy and imperfect

- Rough timelines (was it 5 years, 10 years, 20 years later?) and what seemed to make a difference

Context that might matter in my alienation situation:

- The alienation has been total and one-sided for about 15 years

- The other parent has a long pattern of badmouthing and rewriting history

- I have documentation and witnesses, but right now my child fully believes the other parent’s version and sees me as the villain

I know nobody can predict my specific situation. I just need to know if there is *any* evidence or lived experience that reunification, or even a softer relationship, can still happen after this long and this extreme.

If you have data, links, or personal stories (even small bits of hope), I’d really appreciate it.

I’m truly drowning in my seemingly endless grief. TIA.

Father took my son on a routine visit (never any problems with this arrangement prior) at 3 and never returned him. He made it hell for me to contact him. Father was nearly 20 years older than me and much more financially stable and lived 800 miles from me. Court wasn’t feasible and cops said it was a civil matter since no custody order was ever filed. Father was hostile, manipulative, financially and mentally abusive and did put his hands on me once during our 4 year relationship. No CPS involvement ever, no abuse or neglect or drug use ever. Just a man with a hurt ego and a woman who was too scared and weak and honestly broke to fight. All mail id send would be returned back to sender. calls not answered. Father and aunt groomed him from 3 years old to not call me mom. last phone convo with my son he told me at 4 ish that people were giving him mean faces and when I asked why, he said because he’s talking to me. set me over the edge. I didn’t want to cause any more trauma to him. I also had traumatic and abusive childhood so that plays a part as well. Never had any custody issues with my 6 other kids (different father). Also a DV and SA survivor. Also recently was diagnosed with aggressive form of breast cancer. Made it through 12 brutal months of treatment by thinking I needed to survive to see my son again. There’s the background.

kept thinking when he turns 18, it’ll be my chance. It’ll be better. He’ll be from under his father’s grasp and influence. I’ve posted for 15 years publicly and searched for my son online to find a direct way to contact him without going through the father. Finally went viral 3 days after his 18th birthday and internet sleuths found his personal number.

i texted him. just told him who I was, how I’ve missed him and loved him so much and that there’s no pressure, but that the door will always be open for him. Also had my 3 other grown kids text him (the kids I have who remember him - I also have 3 younger kids who never met him).

He called me, screaming. Told me his father will come kill me and that he would help him to do so. That he would beat my ass. That he doesn’t give a fuck about me and that I’m just a liar and his father is the best father in the world (i never spoke a word to HIM about his father). immediately before this, his father decided to comment all over my persojal Facebook page and gave some twisted story of how I’ve always known how to find him. Duh, you made contact impossible so I couldn’t do anything until I knew how to contact my son DIRECTLY. He would make threats and intimidate me and did other manipulations to make it impossible. He also commented threatening statements that “I’m playing a dangerous game” by contacting my son.

I don’t think I can recover from this. I knew it was a possibility that he could reject me, but this seem really over the top.

how do I recover? How do I go on about life? I’m beyond broken.

ETA: I am no saint and I am not a perfect parent. I’ve made mistakes. But never placed my children in danger, never anything that was abuse. my son deserved a mother - HIS mother. I should’ve just stalked his house and snatched him when no one was looking and sped down the highway…which is essentially the only other option other than court. I was told by authorities “it’s finders keepers“…I don’t want to traumatize my boy like that. I should’ve probably chosen that, though…looking back.