This Ache Hurts
Today was the first time I had lunch from the local fried chicken spot since my boy (21) kitty passed away on April 27. I was home alone, as my husband had to step out for work. As soon as I sat down at the table and lifted the first morsel of chicken to my mouth, my heart just felt so bruised, and my throat just tightened. He would always be so speedy and be right there waiting for me to rip a couple tiny pieces for him.
This pain sucks. And all I can think of is his last few days alive. Seeing him grow weaker and weaker, but even the vet was hopeful he could pull through what looked like a stroke. Ultimately, I had to make the call to help him onwards to his next journey. He was FINE until the initial signs of the stroke appeared 7 days prior. We had his CKD well managed (his blood values actually improved from his last blood test a few months ago). PHOS and Calcium levels in the normal range. Everything was great. I NEVER thought of losing him to a stroke. I’m so broken. It’s taken almost 12 days, but today is the first time I’m laying in my bed alone. I miss you K, I’m so sorry. I wonder if I could have encouraged you to exercise more, I wonder if because I didn’t, I contributed to your stroke. You were my best friend. I miss you.
I have so much guilt. His life was my light. I had a baby 23 months ago and we still made sure he knew he was a light in our lives. But our cuddle time definitely decreased. After work, I had to pick up my daughter and make dinner now. No more after work snuggles and cuddles, not until bedtime when the baby was asleep. I also always cuddled him at lunch time during my break. I’m focusing so much on this unexpected end. He was such a loving brother to my baby. And my best friend of 21 years. I’m just so sorry this happened to you K.