Feeling guilty for resting when I finally have free time
I am a uni Year 3 student, and will be Year 4 next sem. Reflecting on my uni life so far, it was really hectic. I was constantly busy, and most of my time was spent studying and grinding, applying for internships, going for interviews, etc. I barely had time for myself and often not enough time to sleep.
This sem however, I am somehow more free than before. I expected it to be quite intense, as I am doing a part time internship with 3 mods, but it turned out to be more manageable than I thought. As a result, I tend to spend more time relaxing, watching shows and going out with my boyfriend and family.
Even though I enjoy doing those, I always have this nagging feeling that I am wasting time, and that I should be doing something more productive, like preparing for my career, studying or doing online course. Whenever I take a break to relax, I can't help but feel guilty and disappointed in myself afterwards.
I know that this mindset is unhealthy as everyone needs time to rest, but I just can't shake it off. Its weird that I have always craved for more free time for myself, but now when I finally have it, I end up feeling disappointed in myself and blaming myself for resting.
I feel like its also because my course is quite competitive, most people around me are constantly working hard, improving and grinding for their careers, filled with drive and ambition. All these makes me feel really pressured and question whether I should be doing the same as them to keep up, as I will fall behind if I don't.
At the same time, I also feel sad and tired at the thought of going back to the nonstop grind and hectic lifestyle. So it feels really contradicting, whatever I do, I feel uneasy and blame myself.
Honestly, do yall think I should push myself back to the grind? Have yall experienced such conteadicting feelings before, and how would yall deal with it?