Where to begin. Apologies for the poorly worded brain dump that follows...!
Married for 10 + yrs (not the strongest), 2 kids (one with Chronic ADHD) both working and juggling hectic life in the UK. both WFH most of the time.
She has a high pressure job, she enjoys the challenges but it comes at a cost of stress etc. She is an incredible 'dooer' never sits still, always busy doing something, struggles to relax. She always puts the kids first so often pushes herself on their behalf. She likes to be in control (tricky childhood where she had to grow up very quickly) so her standards are jolly high.
she has always loved her exercise and runs / home gym maybe 4-5 times a week. Over recent years the scales have sat on the kitchen side and never get put away, each meal is weighed before consumption to make sure she 'gets enough' of what ever it is she is eating.
Diet is mostly salad based with chicken and fish. Often misses meals, protein bars / shakes have now crept in as well as a replacement when she is 'too busy' to eat. i fear social media posts dont help her, despite her highly intelligent nature. sweet stuff like chocolate is no a one lump treat rather than a section like it used to be. all the fun things food wise keep getting cut back.
Her figure has depleted with more Ribs on show than ever before, same with hip bones. she weighs her self often and looks sheepish when i see her doing it. BMI is sat on the cusp of underweight (not huge relevance, i know). she looks gaunt now, many comment to me about her shape and appearance.
a few years back i spoke to her Doc about it, and also a UK help charity. of course the advice is that until she comes to them and admits it, there isn't much they can do. I have pondered what to do to help her for some time now. I have a 'thing' about this now and it frustrates me hugely. Going out for supper is hard work, she gets food anxiety on the way in case the menu isn't to her tastes (Clarksons Pub), which has affected our relationship over the years (separate story)
She no longer drinks. The fridge is now full of Low Calorie / zero fat / 0 anything foods for her. she Still cooks great food for us but often just has salads, tricky with kids, breaks the family dynamic up somewhat
I am genuinely concerned for her - she did 18,000 steps yesterday walking, got back in late, had a protein bar and some raspberries for supper, woke at 2am hungry, went down to have two mouthfuls of cereal and a 0 calories hot chocolate. She then had a nightmare and as a result is shattered today, which inevitably i take some of the burnt off. i am happy to be her punch bag if i can see improvements but it only seems to be getting worse. The kids (boy 9 girl 11) are aware and thinks her scales out are a bit weird. both are sharp and can see whats going on, i have had to answer some tricky questions. Daughter is at the age now where this is a hot potato, she is sensible but sometimes her love of sweet stuff is rebuked too heavily by wife, i don't want it rubbing off on her. the kids tell me not to bother booking a surprise trip to the pub as mummy wont want to go. that makes me really sad as our social life is poor and i feel lonely as a result.
she has recently been helping others in her friend group loose weight, some needed to shift a few lbs, others several stone. She was excellent at offering advice but got v frustrated when the one who needed to shift the most couldn't keep to her cold turkey suggestion. my wife has always lacked empathy, i felt sorry for the other girl who has been set an impossible task clearly. i desperately want to talk to them but know i cant as it will only do more damage to us.
others close are aware of Wife's ED but no one knows what to do. Her parents are asking me questions, as are mine. i am doing my best to protect her but i cant see a way out. the bathroom scales batteries died yesterday. she asked me to change them at 9.30pm last night, they could not wait till today...
all the advise out there is to not make a big deal out of it but I want to find a way out for her, however long this may take. i love her dearly but her ED is putting extra pressure on our marriage which we could well do with out right now. this post may come over as a selfish husband and to some extent it is, but i do worry for her health long term (and the knock on to our kids) and fear she may burn out.
she has admitted once to me that she may have a 'bit of a problem' but to bring it up causes instant hackles and frankly, i can't mentally cope with the arguments which solve nothing and make it awkward for the next few days. I am desperately trying to not comment on her lack of eating, i try to deliberately not eat some things (or the kids) so that its available for her but its all token gestures in the bigger picture.
the other day she went for a run and fainted, by a canal. I and some around us are worried that she is going to have an accident running / riding (horses) or driving when her sugar level are too low and then we will be in a pickle if she gets injured.
i know this is a complicated beast and i am expecting a journey, there may not be much i can do but i would be very grateful for any suggestions on how to better our situation any way?
thank you in advance!