I am terrified of going to the doctor as I'd rather not know if I'm dying
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I am terrified of going to the doctor.
I have a lot of issues physically. I was born with hypermobility and deformed knees, but my parents never went to the doctor with me. I grew up thinking being in pain was normal, only finding out at 14 years old that people aren't meant to be in pain all the time.
Recently I've noticed the pain in my knees and back is getting worse, and that my hip has started hurting as well. My knees fail sometimes now, and I still can't get myself to go to the doctor.
You see, I think in doom scenarios. Cancer (bone cancer is one of them) is in my family history, and my whole life I've been nothing but unlucky to the point people ask me to write about it. I am terrified of going to the doctor and finding out I will die. I'd rather suddenly die and live my fullest until then, with the pains that come with it.
I feel like an absolute idiot being unable to get myself to go to the doctor, as I'd advise anyone but me to do so. I can't get over my fears though, so I continue to hide the pain.