Is my mc's 'machine-like' dialogue a good stylistic choice or just annoying?
Hello, I need tips and more feedbacks about my story because I think it's boring or the writing is too messy. (also this is my first time using reddit so idk if this is the right tag)
This is actually a collab story where me and my friend split with the plot and scenes ykyk, and it has been going on for months now (still ongoing. There are few poeple who actually commented about the story, though I feel like it isn't enough for me (my friend told me that I shouldn't worry about it but I can't help myself)
What worries me is that the character speaks like a robot and some scenes includes stuff, for ex: "system crash" "glitch" instead of trembling, "Redlining" instead of being in a verge of breakdown, etc.
Though we tried minimizing it but we felt like it would mess the plot since the character thinks and speaks like a machine even though he's a human.
So short summary of this story is about a guy who's has spent his entire life being molded into a "perfect machine" by his controlling father. To everyone at his school, he’s the 'Gold Standard' (perfect/model student) the genius who lives in a luxurious estate in the countryside of Tokyo and never messes up. But in reality, he's a total wreck, living in a decaying old house and struggling just to pay for a train ride home. He’s so used to hiding behind that perfect mask that he doesn’t even know how to be a person anymore.
During his free time he would sneak into the robotics lab (since he likes tinkering + the only way that makes him feel free or relaxed) until he stumbled upon the robotics club captain who's very observant. No matter how much he puts on a masks he would always get seen by him. Until one night he choose to ran away in stayed in a 24 hour internet Cafe for 4 days and the captain found out and took him into his place despite the risk of getting caught (because it's a crime)
So basically this story is just a bunch of kids being friends and learning that they don't have to be perfect to reached the expectations on other people's eyes.
The story also includes some heavy themes like trauma, and stuff...
We just want some tips and feedback on this so we can change/edit it ^^