Hello guys!
Methamphetamine addict here. 33 years old, first time I used when I was 18. Since then I've had different periods, from ones when I could only use once every few months to using almost daily.
Unfortunately for some reason things lately have started to get out of control and I admit I've been using way too much, especially the last couple of months.
I have decided that it is time to finally stop as I feel methampetamine literally destroyed me. I just don't feel good. Getting high does not feel at all the same anymore, come downs are becoming worse and worse, I barely sleep, have awful panic attacks and much more.
As I said I really must quit or in the worst case at least stop using as often as I do now but I got literally obsessed with some very troubling thoughts and this is not giving me peace. I used to believe that full recovery is absolutely possible but I am not really sure what happened to me during the last few months and if this is just my anxiety getting worse but I can't stop thinking that I have damaged my body and brain way too much, beyond any chance to heal.
I got very obsessed with something in particular - heart issues. As we know stimulants like methamphetamine do increase the heart rate and the blood pressure, add the lack of sleep and some anxiety and at times you can feel like your heart will explode. Lately I've been feeling this a lot, much more than before. Every time I notice my heart is pounding way too fast or in a strange way I get super troubled, anxiety gets sky high and a bad panic attack usually follows, which of course increases the heart rate even more.
After all the meth I've used, all the sleepless nights I've had (lately it has become normal for me to stay awake for 3-4 days straight) and all the alcohol I've drunk (yes, unfortunately I drink too) I can't stop thinking that my heart is damaged. I can't stop thinking that I'll just have a heart attack soon, sometimes I even feel that I don't have much life left and I'm just 33. Believe me, those are very very dark thoughts.
It is important to say that with time I developed several anxiety disorders including panic disorder and health anxiety (hypochondria). The stimulants abuse worsened these conditions a lot, in a very bad way. A psychiatrist once told me that if I keep using methamphetamine my panic disorder will worsen and that I'll start experiencing much stronger panic attacks but I didn't listen and of course he was right.
I used to pretty much recognise the anxiety and panic symtopms and in most cases I could tell when I was just having a panic attack or something physical (of course it was always a panic attack) but I am not always able to do this anymore. I can no longer distinguish the anxiety disorder symtpoms and the true physical issues.
Perfectly I would like to just go to a doctor and have my heart checked but something happened to me and I am too scared that I'll just have my troubles confirmed and they will say to me that I have a heart decease. Last time I had my heart and blood checked was a year ago and I was fine. I could hardly believe I was physically healthy as I was using then too but not as often as now.
I can keep describing my issues for days but this is already getting too long to read so I'll just try to summarise it all. I know you guys can't tell for sure but do you think the feelings I tried to described sound more like severe anxiety issues and it is mainly in my head or I have truly damaged my body to a point beyond recovery? Is it possible to truly heal with time (of course if I stop), even after all these long periods of no sleep etc? I just want to get these thoughts out of my mind and to start believeing again that I'll be fine but it has become very hard for me to stay positive.
Any advice would be highly appreciated. Thanks to anyone who could read all this!