u/Famous_Shower_3468

(im truly sorry for the long post + english is not my first language)

To start im 16, he is 70, Obviously I don't think I'll find answers here but I just really need to talk to someone who can understands.

My father is not the best or the worst parent, It took time but I managed to analyze his behaviors to understand him and his personality.

He did some neurological analyses, i don't know what type but i saw a lot of symptoms:

- He forget about roads even though we've passed them many times in the year, like the one where we eat every 15 days, even the one for my mother house that it's in the city were he also live (but like usually he forget about the same part of the road, sometimes he don't forget It, last time he asked me "Over there?" and it wasnt the usual spot he forgot, the first time he had taken the wrong road he looked SO CALM like it wasnt a mistake and everthing was alright, he did the same thing one time he had taken me from a shop near my school, he drive in the wrong road AND IT TAKE ALMOST 4 HOURS TO GET BACK HOME because we were lost, and from that shop to the city were i live it's only a half hour drive, it was scary but at least It was morning...but another time it was night, i was with a friend, my father should had picked me up in the same city where I go to school but he said that he didn't knew how to get to me, the father of my friend he gave him every single indication, when he did he started to drive around the city, like we pass by the same sign 6 times, When we were on the highway and it was all dark he calmly drove towards I don't know what because they were all wrong roads that I had never seen before, and like he was soo calm and like always he wanted to be right so i could even say something it was being alone, it was really scary, when we were where i could recognizing the place he was going the wrong way again so I told him it was the wrong way and he turned into a single entry lane, the other cars honked, he got mad at me, the others got mad at him and a few days later he got a fine, he always complains about not having money and having to pay this and that so I felt guilty like always)

-So many times he forgets his reading glasses or where he put his keys, or he leave his phone and purse in the car

-When we play cards we forget the points or whose turn is, every single times and like he give himself a point in addition (and he gets very angry with me if I point it out to him, he say that it's not true and that I'm cheating) (then he acts like nothing happened, but i think that this is his personality since he always been like this)

- he forget days, like one time he was sure it was another month and when i told him it wasnt he agreed with me and then said again that it was that month

-in this period when on Saturdays I should be with my mother he says it's his turn even if it's the 5th time in a row that I'm with him, but maybe he just feel lonely and lie about it

-I once tried to start a conversation with him by showing him my characters drawings, I was so happy but he read it as an assignment, there was a character in ancient Greek clothes and he was like "ah yea yea its Greek" then i tried to show him a different character but he didn't seams like he had understood.

Probably there are other things but i think i already write too much of this, i feel like im just a son that want his father (even if he really didn't had that solid and bright father figure) but i always feel like the adult, when i have a medical appointment i am the one who had to explain because i know i can't trust my father because he won't understand, at 15 he asked me money (he knew that i only have the ones for my birthdays) for some medicine he have to take and his look was as pitiful as a beaten dog that i felt so bad to say nothing (i didn't give him the money) i think that children saw their parents as something strong that they can relay on, but even if they say it i don't really trust them for what i had seen. At least he didn't forget to keep tell me "i love you" when he call me, i started when i openly qietsionin him on it (maybe i dont feel It but it's nice to hear)

Btw to understand the situation my parents are divorced and i stay with my mother most of the time, she Is...anxious, paranoid who verbally vents his anger and repressed traumas on the family so it's not a source I can rely on, but she can cook really well👍 and she hate my father for...i mean good reason, i don't stay with him a full day because I always threw up when he cooked for me (even milk because he put sugar in It, when i litterlay take lactose-free milk, highly digestible) I don't want to be a caregiver, he have two older children, like they have 40-30 years but they live in another region, and honestly i don't know why they don't do something, my father leave alone since he left my mother (14 years ago)

And i don't cut the time with him because I feel guilty, I have a gigantic fear that he will die and that I have ruined the possibility of having a relationship with him.