I’m a 23 year old autistic guy. Im functionally autistic I’m in full time employment. I’m quite a good looking guy people have told met I am very socially isolated. i have some friends etc and i had a brief relationship for like 6 months when i was 18./19
and I’ve developed really strong feelings for a model. I’ve found celebrities attractive before, but this feels completely different. To me, she’s unbelievably beautiful, almost unreal.
I used to follow her on social media and saw a lot of her photos. At first it was just attraction, but over time it turned into something more intense. I even started asking tools to create fictional love stories about me and her, and I would dream about her often.
Eventually, that infatuation turned into frustration and anger, because I know I’ll never actually be with her. Sometimes when I’m driving, I catch myself shouting about it out of frustration. I decided to take control by blocking her on social media and muting her name, but the algorithm still shows me content about her occasionally, which brings all the feelings back.
She came up on my Snapchat feed the other day randomly on a separate account not hers and I started screaming and getting angry over it when I saw it and I nearly threw my phone out of anger. She then came up again on my YT shorts and I started shouting again.
Sometimes I talk to her or I pretend to talk to her about various things when I am alone and I always wonder what she thinks about my decisions
My main motivation for self improvement is that I will one day meet her so I am trying to improve my life as much as possible because of it. We are from different countries but she has spent time in my country
I’ve also watched a few interviews with her, and she seems like a genuinely kind person, although I know that is only what is shown publicly. Maybe she is a terrible person behind closed doors but I have no reason to believe so
I think about her a lot, sometimes even imagining conversations with her in my head. I know this is not realistic, but it is hard to stop. I even find myself attached to small things, like her name.
I actually love her. Like there is nothing I wouldn’t do to be with her. I get jealous when I see other people complimenting her and I get angry when she gets more famous because her popular it and exposure is rising. I don’t think she is in a relationship, I have seen pictures with a man on her social media before but they might have broken up but idk if it’s public. I hate this guy and I am extremely jealous of the fact he even got to be with her. I don’t think he’s better lookjng than me either
I’m struggling to process the fact that this will never be real, and it is honestly quite painful.
I recently made some terrible decisions in my life and I feel as though the thought of her comforts me