I am a 19f and I am not diagnosed with cptsd, however that is due to many factors with my family refusing therapy while I was a minor, and refusing the treatment of mental health issues. (Only for me, not my sisters, as they have been treated since highschool/middle school for things including ptsd)
I have been wondering for a long time if I am a sexually disturbed person, and what I can do to heal from my traumas. I was exposed to pornographic videos at a very young age (5) and grew up in a very unrestricted household. My father believed that it was best to be honest with your kids which in his eyes meant that any questions I had would be answered honestly despite my age. Despite this, sex was talked about as something that was disgusting, or something only adults do. My dad cared a lot about telling me and my sisters about the kind of attention we should and shouldn't want based on our clothing and how we act. There was a lot of purity culture pushed onto us and a lot of things from my mom such as "men don't like girls like that" and from my dad about saving your virginity.
Even further background info: my parents began dating when my dad was 20 and my mom was 14. I remember my dad making comments about how most girls first time is horrible or the guy is horrible but that "luckily your mom didn't have this problem." My parents had a very volatile and abusive relationship. My dad is psychologically very disturbed and has claimed many illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, sociopathy, and anti-social personality disorder. (None of which I know to be clinically diagnosed). I do know that he was very violent growing up even going to a child psychiatrist as a kid. He claims that he knew what to say to stop going and says that they thought they were helping but he was the one in control of the situation.
Growing up I was hypersexual, I would do things such as expose myself to other kids and even reenact some of the pornographic videos with my sister (my deepest regret in life), and writing/drawing violent material, however this stopped at a certain age once I realized that it wasn't normal behavior. However throughout my later teenage years I really struggled with pornography addictions, voyeuristic tendencies, and impulsive sexual behaviors. I have never been in a relationship or had sex with a partner and even have a sort of disdain for both of those things, I have very complicated feelings about virginity and purity and deal with a lot of shame. I do have erotic posters and artwork but I truly don't see it as anything other than that.
I have no real interest in dating or relationships and would much rather be alone or with my family, I just feel like nobody else will ever understand me like them. I have a hard time loving anybody that is not family or myself. I couldn't even imagine putting a significant other's needs before my own or my sisters. I feel annoyed when my friends talk about dating or hangout with their partners over other things because I just don't understand. My goal in life is to help children who are suffering since I believe that they are the purist beings on the planet.
Am I mentally disturbed or just confused and still becoming an adult?