not pride, that’s pressure,
built like a shield
But nobody checked her
Would I stay held together?
Had to stand
even when my legs shook,
read every room like a book,
I’ll make sure
no one I love is overlooked
Mistook
I cracked quiet though,
Unravel
smiling like I’m stable
while I’m losing control.
“I’m okay”
I said that line,
so many times
it starting to sounding fine.
Fight
not fists, just fear,
dreams of my siblings lost
if I disappear.
No parents,
no map,
no guide,
just me
trying to build
what I needed inside.
I got kids now
As my life follows through,
But every fear I buried
somehow grew.
Emotionally reckless
Forgetting to protect them
Not punches
Just unfit
Reaction
Façade cracking
I explode
the damage I’ve done
grenade
to everyone
I’m trying to hold it tight,
don’t fall apart,
how do you fix a self-destructing heart?
I’m wrong
that’s real,
walking blind
through field of wounds that don’t heal
Still me
blame sits heavy,
mirror don’t lie,
and it ain’t ever friendly.
Looking back at my true enemy
I search for safety
door to door,
but every place I land
feels like before.
Christ my saviour
I believe that,
but why I still feel
like I gotta pay back?
“Lord, help me I’ve fallen off track
With my everlasting lack”
Knocking
cold hands, no rest,
Looking for forgiveness that’s real
but I ain’t passed the test.
say it plain,
heartbeat loud
Not living,
just pain.
Worst nights I hear sirens so I cover my head,
But they’re not outside it’s inside instead.
After every fight
echo stays
I carry the noise
through all of my days.
Emotionally hit the floor
metaphors
To show you how Im feeling.
Because “I’m just being
Selfish and mean”
Not wrong
I just wanted to be seen
Just waiting for
glimpse of realness
something soft to land
in the middle of all this.
Forgiveness
not loud,
Really there,
hand reaching out
saying “I care.”
Could I feel that?
Could I stay?
Or am I wired
to push it away?
Arms that hold
not brace
not waiting for me
To connect the space.
Face to face
Understanding
no conditions attached
I’m hard to love,
I know that
still standing here
hoping someone could.
Understanding
one no one would
Kind of an update on an older poem I wrote… just have to put it down because the person who I’d want to hear it won’t.