u/Fabulous_Act_4141

What I’m learning about my mental health: I have mental health problems with and without coffee, they are just different. With coffee, I had more anxiety, and the coffee was also acting like an antidepressant for me. Without coffee, I still have anxiety, it’s just lower, but I am more affected by depression. I think overall I am healthier without coffee, but I definitely need help with my mental health. I really want to work towards a self and a life I can be proud of and content with. I think quitting coffee is really a small aspect of that, but in my mind I had given it a lot of significance. There are so many big changes I need to make. But if I can stick to it, then I think it’s a good start. It’s been two months (still drinking caffeinated tea though), but it’s a daily challenge. I feel very alone in my life, which is why I post on here a lot. I want to move on to other things though. Like all I talk to people about in my life is quitting coffee. I am most likely autistic, which I think could help explain why I’m so obsessive about it. I’ve been obsessed with trying to quit coffee for like 7 years. I’m embarrassed to even admit that. The weird thing is, my three siblings are like me, they are always trying to quit as well and failing after a few days, weeks or months.

Two months since quitting coffee, still drinking caffeinated tea in the morning. I was dealing with severe depression on and off since quitting, to the point that I called a crisis line a week ago. However, the call actually helped me a lot. The woman I talked to encouraged me to do positive things for myself, like go on nature walks and to be kinder to myself. I don’t think I’m totally cured, but I’ve had enjoyable moments in the past week, which have made me feel more hopeful. Some commenters in my previous posts actually were telling me to drink coffee again and I was considering it. However, I feel that that’s not right for me. Coffee was escalating my already intense anxiety. I am pretty sure I am autistic, and I’ve been learning that coffee can have even stronger side effects for autistic people. My skin has been getting better, my teeth seem healthier (whiter, less plaque, less sensitivity), I’m calmer and more balanced, my days seem longer in a good way, I‘m sleeping better. I think the only thing that is tempting about coffee now are these romanticized ideas of what it can do and be. I am surrounded by coffee shops, people who drink coffee, coffee advertisements.. And now that it has been awhile, it’s hard for me to remember the negative effects in a real way. Like I know what they were, but I’m no longer experiencing them so they don’t seem like as big of a deal. What’s stronger in my mind is the memory of the high I used to get, and that strong, rapid onset motivation to do tasks I was procrastinating on.

One of the best changes for me is that when I wake up, I feel normal. When I was a coffee addict I would wake up really cranky and feel like shit until I had coffee. Now I just feel regular. Like a bit sleepy, but not completely depleted like before.