What’s up you fat fucking chuds.
Just after midnight on this day (May 5th, 2026), I set out to create something unsettling with just what I have lying around the house. In true r/winemaking fashion I sterilized a recently emptied Listerine bottle (ran hot water through it before calling it a day), and got to hooching!
Firstly I was curious what “tomato wine” would taste like. It seems to have a positive reputation on this shithole, sort of like a white wine, but that’s because people avoid using the red stuff you see in stores. Will it have too much sodium and kill the ferment? I don’t know. I didn’t read the back of the bottle.
For the second most prominent liquid I decided to use tea. On the one hand I’ve heard of adding small amounts of black tea to your home brew to add tannins, but I haven’t heard great things about pure alcoholic tea. Either way, I don’t have black tea, so I decided to take a small amount of Red Diamond’s extra sweet tea and steep it some more with four tea bags. I don’t know. The end result was dark but I also don’t think that’s how it works.
Now for the fun part. The first two things I poured into the Listerine vessel were a little bit of maple syrup and a little bit of honey. Together these could not have filled more than 1/20 of the bottle.
Next I added 2 cups of tomato juice to the mix, as well as 3 tablespoons of dried basil and 2 tablespoons of ground thyme. I added the basil because I saw someone add it to their tomato wine in a video, and I added thyme because… I don’t know I guess it can add something to a drink. However it should be noted that basil and thyme are NOT recommended for flavoring any drinks in dried or ground form.
To spice things up, I chopped 1 whole jalapeño into slices and added all of them to the brew. At first I was only going to add four, but then I said fuck it.
Lastly I added my super tea, along with 3/4 cups of brown sugar. I shake the bottle, add 1/4 teaspoon of Fleischmann’s active dry yeast, shake again, and twist the bottle to where I can still squeeze some air out, only with a little resistance.
---
After doing some googling, I understand these are some of the flavors I may be able to make out when this absolute bullshit is done fermenting:
Jalapeño (spicy)
Jalapeño (sweet)
Tomato/tomato juice (duh?)
Tannins
Molasses (brown sugar)
Leafy notes (red diamond super sweet tea)
Floral notes (thyme)
Pepper (basil, rosemary)
Herbal/botanical/sweet-savory flavor (basil)
Minty/herbaceous quality (thyme)
Citrus (rosemary)
Vinegar (Tea, as Kombucha or hard Kombucha apparently comes with hints of vinegar)
---
I wouldn’t know how to identify a third of these flavors but with Satan’s blessing I will post my review of the stuff when it is done fermenting and tell you what I notice. It should reach 8 to 13% abv because bread yeast is funny like that.
---
For your convenience I will repeat the list of the ingredients if you actually hate yourself and want to die:
Empty 1 liter Listerine bottle
2 cups of Campbell's tomato juice (from concentrate)
1 cup of black tea (or mystery liquid of choice)
3 tablespoons of dried basil
2 tablespoons of thyme
Honey and maple syrup (amount is up to brewer’s discretion)
2-3 loose screws