i genuinely have no real friends and it drives me crazy
I’m a 19-year-old college student at the biggest university in my state, and honestly… I feel incredibly alone. I technically have friends, but most of them are either people I’ve caught talking badly about me, or people I only see once a week and can’t seem to build anything deeper with, no matter how hard I try. For the past year, I told myself it was okay because my sister always said I was her best friend. Recently, though, I found out she makes fun of me, calling me weird behind my back with our mutual friends, and I genuinely don’t know how to process that. It hurts realizing the person I trusted most def doesn't actually respect me. She spread rumors too saying I had a porn addiction (I read fanfiction but not even smut so idk where this came from) and I am still avoided by people at work due to this. I know I’m kind of “weird.” I’m really into fanfiction, otome games, anime, stuff like that. The people around me usually think it’s cringe or childish, and I’ve tried hiding those interests before or forcing myself to drop them because maybe it is weird to talk about them, but it honestly just made me miserable. They’re things I genuinely love, and it sucks feeling like nobody would actually accept me for that. What hurts even more is my sister telling people personal things about me that I like to keep private, like the fact that I’m bipolar. I manage it well, and it doesn’t define me, but having someone else casually tell people something that personal feels violating. Whenever I try talking to her about how much this hurts, she tells me I’m “just not on my meds” or that I’m “crazy” because I’ve been through a lot. Last year, two of my friends died. My ex also assaulted me. I got out of that relationship immediately, and weirdly enough, I feel like I handled those things better than this. She also tells everyone that these things happened to me like it's fun gossip when I have asked her not to tell people this stuff.
On top of that, I’ve been feeling really ugly lately. I’ve tried “glowing up,” working out, skincare, all of it, but my skin keeps getting worse, and I still hate how I look, people tell me I'm fishing for compliments so I can't even complain about it to anyone. It feels like no matter what I do, nothing actually makes me happy anymore.
I’m not suicidal or anything like that, I’m safe. I’m typing this because I guess I just want someone to acknowledge that what I’m feeling is real.
This probably sounds stupid, but this post started because I was watching anime (One Piece specifically) and realizing I’ll probably never have one of those friend groups where people genuinely love each other and would do anything for one another. I’ve tried therapy, but a lot of the time I just leave feeling judged or like I’m getting generic advice that doesn’t actually help.I also know I’m not perfect. I can be mean sometimes. I can be guarded. I know I probably push people away too. So maybe part of this is my fault, I honestly don’t know.
I guess this is just a vent because I genuinely don’t know where else to put all of this and feel like I have no one. I know I will end up forgiving my sister like I always do because she is my sister but she's 22 and I was hoping she woujld be grown up by now when it came to this stuff