I relapsed on cocaine after 5 months and 14 days of sobriety
Hey guys, first time posting to Reddit but i need to write this. I had a bad cocaine and alcohol addiction and eventually went into rehab on the 24th of November 2025. I was so defeated, I couldn't stop no matter what I did. I put myself into debt just to fund my habit and I was lying to people constantly about my drug use. I wasn't bathing, eating, I was neglecting my job, I thought I was going to die honestly. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and boy did that get so much worse while taking coke. Once I removed myself from the situation and decided to get help things began to get better.
I left rehab after three weeks and left feeling positive for the first time in a long time. I was going to regular recovery meetings through my local community addiction team, I was attending both AA and NA meetings and really listened and took everything in. I was exercising, eating regularly and met some really supportive people.
I know I am gonna get told off for this but I also bonded with another recovering addict while in rehab and we have ended up dating, even though we were told multiple times by multiple people it was a bad idea. Honestly he's one of the most positive people in my life today. He's not once thought about relapsing, he's working a good job, saving his money, looking to build a future with me in it and he keeps me going most days when I'm at my lowest.
Things were great at the start, I had my supportive boyfriend who knew exactly how I felt, I was talking to other recovering addicts and feeling so positive but things took a turn when I lost my job.
Long story short, I was honest with my employer about my addiction issues. Initially they were showing support and signposted me to various services and support. I however decided to keep lying to them, I was still using, making excuses not to work and eventually it caught up with me. I was accused of taking drugs in work, and I was suspended due to my behaviour and potential risk. This happened before I went into rehab, I told them I was getting the help I needed but it was too late, my absences were too much and when I was honest about relapsing and I didn't think it was safe for me to be in work, I got suspended.
After leaving rehab I focused purely on my recovery, however my employer was upset that I didn't communicate straight away that I had left rehab and eventually I was scheduled to do a online meeting which would determine what happens next. I had the meeting, which was the scariest experience of my life, having to go over my past issues and explain my behaviours to people who didn't understand, it was horrible. I felt like they decided what they were doing before I even started speaking and they eventually decided it was time to let me go. I lost my job on the 18th of February 2026 and I have since been unemployed due to my mental health and addiction issues.
I felt defeated, but remained positive. I was living with my boyfriend, he was working away and helping me through different things. I had to apply for PIP and universal credit which have stressed me further to be honest. I am currently receiving the basic rate and it's barely enough to cover my increasing debts.
I started to change, I could feel the positivity leaving me, my addiction slowly creeping back into my head. I started to feel hopeless, thinking to myself, "why aren't things getting better, they should be getting better, I'm not doing drugs anymore, I have positive people in my life, but why am I not happy?" I struggled with cravings for a couple of weeks, I talked honestly to my boyfriend about it and he tried so hard to keep me strong, but I knew what was coming.
I snapped. I looked at myself and could feel my addiction taking over again and I relapsed. I almost felt a sense of relief after taking it. I felt like the thoughts had calmed down finally but I knew I had fucked up. I was selfish, just wanting a bit of relief. I told my mum and she was so supportive, she didn't shout at me, didn't make me feel like a piece of shit, she allowed me back in her home. I was living with my boyfriend and I knew I had to tell him as it was not right to hide this from him knowing he is a recovering addict also. I phoned him and again, he was so supportive, he said he needs to speak to his sponsor (I don't have one yet) and get some advice but he told me he loved me and to keep my chin up, he's clearly worried but I am glad I didn't involve him in this mess and he is continuing to protect his sobriety.
I was clean 5 months and 14 days. I feel numb, I felt like such a burden to my boyfriend, he's doing brilliantly and i had a moment of weakness. I'm so scared he is going to leave me but I completely respect his choice if he does. If anyone else is thinking of relapsing, don't do it. It doesn't make you feel any better and it will have consequences. If I lose my boyfriend, I don't know what I'll do. We were planning a future together, I never thought I would have a future before. I hope I stay strong and don't go back into regular active addiction, I don't want to die. I am scared. I'm sorry this post is so long but I felt I needed to write down how I was feeling.
If you've read all of this, thank you and wish me luck 🤞