Looking to Windward
The hardest thing has been not understanding what I meant to you.
I asked what I meant to you a few weeks after the breakup, after you admitted that you still cared for me in all the same ways as before, and you answered, “just friends, friendly feelings only”.
A few weeks after that you said you felt there was a resonance between us, an understanding that you just didn’t have with a lot of other people. I told you that you felt like home to me.
A few weeks after that I confessed that I still had lingering romantic feelings for you. I asked for your thoughts on what would be best for you going forward, if you wanted to stay friends or part ways to give ourselves room to grow. I expressed that I didn’t want to make that decision alone.
But then you dismissed it. You told me that you’d been through this before with other exes and that you’d be fine whether we stayed friends or not. You were nice, but closed off.
We’d gone from flirts to friends to lovers to friends to ???
Do you know how confusing that all was? Do you know how much it hurt?
I regret not waiting longer before saying goodbye. I could have asked for space, set up a time where we could talk in person, and given both of us time to think. I acted out of hurt and fear and that wasn’t fair. I texted an apology for how I handled things but never got a response. I get it, though, I wasn’t in the best headspace and you had your own stuff to deal with.
Since then, I keep writing these letters, posting, deleting. I journal, draw, walk, go out with friends. I travel, meet new people, I can feel myself coming out of my shell again. I keep telling myself that if you’d wanted to work things out, if you wanted to keep me in your life, you would have said so. That you just didn’t have the emotional capacity at the time to handle those complicated, heavy topics. I keep telling myself that I’m learning from this experience. I’m rediscovering my confidence.
Yet there’s this hollow, squeezing ache between my ribs sometimes. I’m still haunted by meaning something to you one moment and then meaning something completely ambiguous the next. I’ve never had someone try so hard to know me in the beginning, tell me he loved me months later, and then fizzle out so soon after that.
I’m sorry. I know it was nearly a year ago. All in all, we only knew each other six months. A blip in the timeline. A drop in the bucket. We had many beautiful moments that I’ll cherish forever. At the end of the day, what I meant to you shouldn’t matter so much. The meaning behind our connection should be measured in the growth we’ve gained from these experiences.
I’m just missing you lately. It’s cropping up all these old hurts.
I hope you’re enjoying this sunny weather!
– J