I took advantage of my little sister when I was in 5th grade and I can never forgive myself.
I don't really want to go over my suffering in life as a younger kid so much because I feel like it would make me more petty and just a way to gain sympathy or whatever.
When I was in 5th grade, I grinded against my little sister. I didn't go "inside her"
I wasn't that much of a waste of a human being.
A lot of people on the Internet I've seen usually went under the lines of, "I went through [trauma] and [more trauma] and I had [form of mental illness] for many years, but I never went as far as to hurt someone. that's a THEM problem."
That's why for many years I can't look at myself in a mirror, because I believed that I was a horrible person that hasn't improved because I was too afraid to tell anyone what I did, except to my therapist that I had for a day. They basically told me that I grew up in an abusive household, with adults that failed to shield me from sexual content as a kid so it affected my understanding of what was right and wrong. I had to stop isolating myself from everyone including family because I kept living my life as a punishment cuz back in 6th grade in my English class, we watched a video about sexual abuse awareness, and when a woman said her uncle took advantage of her when she was a kid, I started to remember what I did to my poor little sister who probably doesn't remember what was done to her.
Ever since that day, I always told myself, "You deserve to get bullied, you deserve to get sexually harassed by those people, you deserve to never fit in with anyone or be friends with everyone. Because you are a Bad Person."
Ever since 6th grade, I couldn't look at my sister the same way anymore. I barely talked to her, I barely looked at her, I didn't want to associate myself with her ever. I couldn't look at pictures of her, I didn't want to hear her. But was I staying away from her because I wanted to protect her from myself? Or was it because she just reminded me of what I did wrong? I would only help when she was being screamed at by our mother saying God would destroy her because she complained about this or tell her things that would make her feel less like a person. I would press my mom saying something like, "Leave her alone," "If you think she's really like that, it's no surprise where she got it from," or something like that, then my mom would turn her anger towards me.
Tell her about the forced religion we were in and how I wanted her to love herself and never listen to my mother whenever she would put her down
People online would always tell me that I'm not a bad person and like, "you got sexually harassed, bullied on a daily basis, with parents who don't give a shit about you. you didn't do anything wrong." But they're wrong. It's all deserved. I took my own sister's innocence, our youngest sister, our only sister in a family of 6. No one like me deserves to have another chance at life and happiness no matter how young I was when it happened.
I'm currently still a minor, 17, a high school dropout getting a GED because my mom didn't want me attending school anymore when I told her I was sexually harassed and bullied at school so much. I've always hated anything that suggested lolicons and sister complex in anime because it felt like a mockery of what I did, like society was normalizing the very thing that destroyed my relationship with my sister and myself and probably with anyone.
Recently, my little sister wrote me a letter saying she feels like it's her fault that I'm depressed and hate myself so much because she keeps getting me in trouble. Honestly, I don't care what my mom wants from me or what she does to me, she's already dead to me and I couldn't care less, as long as she stayed away from my siblings. But after the letter she gave me, she asked me if she could be my friend again because she loved me and missed being friends with me.
I silently cried myself to sleep after I said "ok" because I didn't want her to be my friend. I didn't want her to see me as her brother, I didn't want her to come to me for help. She deserved someone better. She deserved someone that wasn't me. I've hated myself for years and I want her to hate me too.
I'm sorry.
but if I was sorry, I would've said something sooner. But I didn't because I'm too scared.