I prayed the Surrender Novena for 500 days (Part 2) This is what happened!
As promised, here is part 2 of my story! For those who want to read part 1, find it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Catholicism/comments/1t6notx/i_prayed_the_surrender_novena_for_500_days_part_1/
I (30F) prayed the surrender novena daily for 500 days. It was changing my life in crazy ways. Still, I was not sure what surrender really meant. Shortly before hitting day 365, I remembered thinking how much I wanted more ways to surrender. I felt something big was coming from heaven. I prayed it would be a husband or career success.
What I got at the year mark instead, was a traumatic brain injury. I went from feeling in control to being a prisoner in my own body. My daily suffering was immense. I lost a lot of memories, mobility, and even my ability to speak. I missed weeks worths of plans and was in constant pain. My medical bills were so staggering that I had to return to work before I was ready. I applied for financial assistance but was denied. The next day my car broke down. I bought a new one, but I was hit by another driver not long after. My new car received thousands of dollars of damage and my head injury was set back further. Talk about having to surrender! It was horrible, but it taught me the greatest lessons of my life: We rely on God for everything. Our self sufficient lives mask this, but even the ability to walk across the room is given by God’s providence and can be taken away. We have no control, and when that control was stripped from me, real surrender FINALLY happened. Here is what I learned:
Surrender is not something we do for God, it’s something we allow God to do in us. It’s not giving something up, it’s giving God access. Anytime I approached surrender as a “I’m doing this for you,” thing instead of a grace I was receiving, I slipped back into my old ways of “I’m earning, I’m doing, I’m controlling," and I quickly became stressed. When I accepted that even my surrender was reliant on God’s mercy and power, I found peace.
Trust is not an emotion, and feeling trustful is not necessary to trust God. You might never feel trusting. TRUST IS AN ACTION. You can have all the doubt in your heart you want. What the Lord asks of you is to SHOW UP ANYWAY. He called you on a path that is terrifying? So what. He was terrified in the garden too. He didn’t wait for the Father to make Him feel better before He picked up His cross. I felt I couldn’t rise to where God was calling me because I didn’t believe hard enough yet. Belief as it turns out, is not a fuzzy feeling- It’s choosing to throw the stone at Goliath knowing he may kill you. Don’t wait around to feel a certain way before you say to God.
Trust is a muscle that is stronger with exercise. Everyday gives opportunity to trust. One of the easiest way to practice this is to limit overthinking a scenario.
If you want to be obedient to the Holy Spirit in big ways, you must first be obedient in small ways. He will not give you an epic calling if you are ignoring the small callings in your daily life. To love in extraordinary ways, we must first be able to love in ordinary ones. That might look like doing something mildly uncomfortable for a loved one.
God’s love language is subtlety. If given the chance to scream, He will whisper to you 9/10 times. Surrender is like that too. It comes in many, many quiet, simple moments.The more still moments you can give Surrender, the faster it will grow.
The control you think you have is an illusion anyway, so you might as well work on surrender and acceptance within this earthly life.
You have all the help you need. Ask frequently for Jesus to increase your trust and He will. He's been waiting for your permission.
Surrender is about living in the present moment.
This week I hit day 500, and there is no husband, or career success, but I'm not disappointed. I am changed. My heart is too full of a deeper and purer love. I know the nature of God more than ever, and I am finally walking with him as a co-creator. If any of you struggle with Trust, I highly recommend praying the Surrender novena. You don't have to do it for more than 9 days to receive His grace, but I promise you it is life changing!