IM SORRY THIS IS SO MUCH TEXT I JUST NEED HELP AND ADVICE PLEASE I FEEL LIKE IM CRAZY. I’m a teen girl and my gf (diagnosed ocd) suspects I might have it as well. Ive been diagnosed with ADHD since 7 years old and hEDS(hyper mobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome) and POTS since last year as well as VSS(visual snow syndrome). I am a BIG self analyst and find comfort in researching comorbities to my conditions to find possible “answers” or potential future issues to be aware of. The past 2 years I’ve struggled with extreme anxiety and depression raising issues with self harm(currently clean for almost 3months)paired with executive dysfunction that’s basically paralyzed me half of high school and ruined my perspective on life and grades in school. I’m currently on Adderall (20mgs extended release) and propranolol and it’s helped with some productivity though overall has just increased my generalized anxiety and over-awareness of my bodily sensations and thoughts. I feel crazy and match a lot of symptoms for OCD which was first brought up by my gf after they noticed symptoms from me explaining some childhood experiences. Part of me doubts myself and thinks I might actually be lying about all my symptoms or exaggerating them because I’m aware of how they can relate. I haven’t spoken to my parents about this because they won’t do anything about it (as they haven’t with past mental/physical health issues and events) and I don’t want to make a big deal out of something I might not even have let alone be able to get a diagnosis for. I can’t feel crazy anymore I need other opinions so I’m not so stuck in my head with this so below are a long list of symptoms from my 4 hour research and self analyzation rabbit hole from a few weeks ago. Please give honest opinions and any thoughts or questions or suggestions literally anything and everything thank you!!! (categorized by what seems like either a C- compulsion or O-obsession)
O- feeling like I’m lying about my symptoms or exaggerating to get a diagnosis
O- feeling like I’m hiding how terrible of a person I am from everyone around me
O- questioning if my memories are real/distorted
C- asking my parents if stuff actually happened to check if my brain is lying to me about a memory
C- constant need to subluxate/pop my shoulder till I hear specific high pitched click(mental relief after even if pain doesn’t subside or worsens)
C-needing to pop the same amount of joints on each side (ex:2 clicks on each pointer finger or else I’m not correctly adjusted)
O- constant fear of failing that paralyzes me from doing tasks(can’t film auditions out of fear of not getting in)
O- TERRIBLE task initiation because I have to set up to do something like homework or dishes or going out by choosing the outfit and items to bring that fate will favor
O- always fearing I made the wrong choice and that fate will give me karma later for it causing me to be chronically indecisive
C- counting steps when going up and down and counting how they add up to each flight (no reason just feels right/make me feel more connected to reality)0
C- need to run across street when crossing even if I have the light(I don’t wanna get hit)
O- constantly questioning memories and if I’m lying when retelling stories
C- needing to pick skin around my nail or on my forehead till it’s “clean”
O- avoiding talking to teachers out of fear of intense scolding,dissapointment and not explaining my situation properly
C- evening out and making sure pressure on my foot is even on each step when going down stairs or walking on pavement
O- intrusive thoughts of jumping into the tracks even if I’m not suicidal when waiting for the train
O- fear of overdosing on my medications accidentally
O- fear of losing control over my body and stabbing myself when cutting fruit or handling sharp objects in general and fear of stabbing my family with very vivid mini movies of it happening
O- I used to think I “infected” people when I hugged them because I was so gross so I avoided hugs and physical contact with friends for most of my life
O- looking at men outside and getting unwanted sexual thoughts of them assaulting me and me secretly “wanting it” even though I don’t think I do
C- constantly tapping my toes in a 3/4 time signature inside my shoes
O- looking at children in public and being scared if I’m secretly a pedophile/dangerous despite the fact I would NEVER do anything to harm a child
O- fear of losing control and sexually assaulting/hurting my girlfriend or others even though I truly would never and have no desire to
C- constantly checking symptoms for possible comorbities online in relation to my chronic illness
Ex of previous: spent 3 hours researching MCAS, endometriosis,MECFS, autism, ocd,cardiovascular issues etc etc.
O- not telling people about my chronic illness out of fear of being rejected from opportunities and losing my social status/prestige in relation to music(I’m a vocalist)
O- smelling bad and being thought of as gross or unhygienic in general
O- being viewed as unhealthy/gross/out of shape/overweight for sweating or breathing too heavily after walking up the stairs or sprinting (so I hold my breath)
O- feeling like I’m lying about my disability for attention
O- constantly overanalyzing myself both visually and internally
C- moving my phone away from my head at night after hearing beeping noises coming from it after falling asleep near the speaker part once and thinking it would give me brain cancer overnight
O- vivid memory/dream of classmate in 2nd grade gushing blood and dying on the floor and then the body was taken away while the blood pool remained and the kid died from cancer and I was so afraid of contracting cancer from accidentally touching the blood
O- dream of my mom calling my name that caused auditory hallucinations?(still happens sometimes)
C-biting and picking at finger and toenails till clean and even feeling no matter if it causes injury
C- picking scabs to feel clean again and then worrying over infecting the now open wound
C- self harm from both depressive thoughts of not being able to do anything or needing to punish myself for failure
C- self harm to have control over where the pain in my body is(I have chronic pain)
O- during quarantine I had immense fear of my dad getting into a car crash while driving or him contracting Covid from a customer and dying
O- confessing and oversharing(even years after event occurred)cause I feel so bad about lying and shit talking
O- “Because my gf has OCD I’m copying their symptoms for attention”(BUT WHAT IF I AM THO)
C- random shivers and feeling like I need to twitch or shake off a bad feeling or sensation (might just be the adhd)
O- worrying about displeasing the universe or even god which I don’t believe in but on the off chance he does exist I need to make sure I’m good when he’s watching
O- questioning if I’m really a lesbian because I get sexual thoughts about men often though part of me is always disgusted by them
O- fear of not being real or everything around me being fake
O- immense fear of taking up too much space and being smelly
Ex:one time my bsf told me my breath smelled bad in a car after hanging out in the 9th grade and I’ve kept some form of gum or mint on me ever since and can’t breathe too close to anyone’s face except my gfs
C- if I play a lottery or a raffle I have to write 27 with a hand drawn star next to it and if I lose it was just fate but if I lose without doing it that was the reason why I lost
C- eating issues because of weight insecurity/fear of being viewed as unhealthy/gross/unattractive even though I wouldn’t judge my body on someone else
C- restricting food because it gives me control over one aspect of my “grossness”
C- compulsively lying about minor details to exaggerate a story or just keep talking (and then admit after cause I hate lying)
O- being my own therapist and analyzing myself from a 3rd person perspective
O- not being able to clean my room because of the starting process and fatigue but feeling suffocated from the mess
O- I can’t throw away items that have even a small ounce of sentimental value because it might affect fate and I could be throwing out something that’s useful later
O- crazy fomo of everything because if I miss out on something that could be fate or prevent the butterfly effect I’m cooked
O- fear of losing my voice from hyperextending my vocal chords during a lesson and them ripping(hEDS related)
C- auditory hallucinations of my name being called(especially by my parents)
O- fear that inanimate objects have feelings and are sentient enough to feel pain and boredom after throwing something or using too much lead in a pencil and such(sudden and short-lived anxiety)
O- fear my stuffed animals were sentient so I have to give life updates yearly so they don’t miss me and get mad
O- fear of Mother Nature/the universe being mad at me for bug killing or littering
O- fear of not knowing what to do in an emergency situation so I prepare for gunshot wounds seizures heart attacks and other extreme medical or emergency events
O- fear of my ass anal prolapsing/uterus falling out from sitting on the toilet too long cause of my hEDS
O- fear one day my gf will fall out of love with me and breakup with me or pity me too much to leave(not as bad as other fears)
O- fear my brothers going to kill himself
O- fear my mom has been right the whole time and I’ve been the one manipulating her
O- fear I’m secretly cheating or manipulating people when I get a gift /opportunity
O- can’t watch psychological horror because I will develop what the character has from watching it and lose control over my mind/sense of reality
C- needing to say oh my god out loud or exclaim of some sort when I overthink because if not the stress stays internal and I get scared I’m going to go insane and the stress isn’t real
OK THATS ALL THANK YOU AND PLEASE HELP