What if my ancestors hate me? + Looking for chosen ancestors like chosen families.
Hello, I am a baby even among baby witches, haha, and have been considering connecting with my ancestors, specifically connecting with my maternal grandmother for guidance and to help clear some internal blockages.
Some context: Saturn just left my sign (Taurus) this April after seven years, and this period sort of ripped through me**:** zero friends, an abusive home environment, my parents' half-executed divorce, and COVID swallowing my college years. Things have genuinely improved, and I've been doing meditation and shadow work, but my sense of self still feels fragmented and my internal compass frayed. My mom and I have fought very hard for things to get better, and they genuinely have, but I feel like I fragmented around a time when I was supposed to come together with these constant cycles of self-loathing, fear, apprehension, and general limbo. But in the last year or so, things have gotten SO MUCH better, and I have seen myself grow as a person. Now, as I have gotten some basics sorted out, I have begun to finally delve deeper into myself through meditation and some shadow-work (though inconsistently). I'm now about to move to New York for grad school, which feels like a turning point. I really feel that this is the universe giving a golden ticket (but I know it's gonna make me work for it deadass).
But, even now, I feel so confused and unsure of myself. My sense of self and my internal compass are still frayed, and I was hoping to connect with my maternal grandmother for guidance. My grandmother was a full-on baddie but still an orthodox person. I'm femme non-binary, and I'm uncertain whether she'd be fully receptive to meeting me as I am. Would that affect the connection, and how might I navigate it?
I have read about how we can define ancestry beyond just blood connections, and I am currently thinking and meditating about the drag queens who made/have made New York their home for guidance and strength. Any thoughts on weaving that in alongside the more traditional ancestor work?
Lastly, I am unable to create an altar or dedicated space for my ancestors because even now, my family is so nosy, and if they even get a whiff of me doing magic, my father would just sponsor a permanent place for me in an asylum. So, what can I do then? I am unable to set up space for myself either, like I cannot even place my money bowl safely.